Essay for TOEFL 20150106
I’m trying to improve my writing skills for the TOEFL.

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(Q)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In this quickly changing world, people are less happy than they were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

(A)
I disagree with the idea that people are less happy than they were in the past. I will discuss the reasons to support my opinion as follow. <This sentence is unnecessary. It is best to just briefly state why you think this and then explain further later in the essay.

First, people can talk with their family anytime and anywhere they want. New technologies such as the internet enable communications around the globe. For example, I speak to my friends on skype every weekends. Although there are great distances between our houses which my friends and I live in, we are able to have a good time with not only voice but also video. In addition, no matter how long time we talk, the communication charge is free through skype. On the other hand, it was unthinkable>impossible (“unthinkable” sounds like it was “very bad”) to make such (this type of) communication between family members who lived in far off places like Japan and the United States in the past. This example demonstrates that people can spend happy time through chat with their family by advanced technologies even if they live in far each other. <This sentence is unnecessary. You do not have to explain the purpose of your examples.

Secondly, people have more chance to do what they want to do. Compared to a hundred years ago, the average length of life has doubled due to progress in medical technology, so people can enjoy leisure hours after their careers. For instance, my father engages in many hobbies since retirement. When he worked as an elementary school teacher, he did not have enough time for his hobbies, but now, he enjoys rabbit farming, blowing darts, and volunteering as a sightseeing guide for foreign tourists as hobbies. Moreover, he tries to learn new a language every year. This type of freedom in old age (“it” was a little vague and confusing. 少し日本語っぽいです＾＾) was beyond imagination a hundred years ago. This illustrates that people can spend fun time, thanks to the increased average life expectancy. <This sentence is unecessary. You do not have explain the purpose of your sentences. 

Some people may say that the present generation is less happy, because people need to work harder and longer. Certainly some business people work day and night. They sometimes sacrifice their weekends for work. However, I think it is optional not mandatory. When> If (better here)　they think the work style is tough, they can change to a new career. It is favored to have vocational selection itself in our own day. <This sentence is confusing, but overall the paragraph and its supporting argument (reason for your answer to the essay question) is good.

To sum up, for the above reasons, I disagree with the view that people are unhappier than they used to be.　This is a good first sentence for your concluding paragraph.

Good job! Keep up the hard work! Writing essays is a difficult skill to learn.  

Now, because you have mentioned the confusing differences between English style essays and Japanese style essays, here are a few general notes, that I hope will help.

*Every paragraph should have at least 3 sentences.

English Essay Format:
1. Introductory paragraph- Restate and answer the question then briefly state the reasons (2-3) that you chose your answer.
2. Body - (2-3 paragraphs) Write a paragraph further explaining each reason you mentioned in your introduction. One paragraph per reason. 
3. Concluding paragraph - Restate, one last time, (in different words) your answer and your reasons.  For example, parts of the highlighted sentences at the end of your earlier paragraphs might be good in the conclusion.

It may seem strange to keep restating things this way, but this is the basic format for this type of essay.

If you have any questions, I am happy to explain further.　I hope this helps!

返事が遅くなってごめなさい。最近は少しバタバタです。お父さんは素晴らしそうです！＾＾