Formal letter - Job offer
Dear Mrs Connor,
I'm writing with regards to the job offer <s>in order to work</s> at USA Summer Camps. (1)
<s>First of all, I'm going to introduce myself.</s> (2) My name is Ruben. I am 26 years old and from <s>and I live in the city center of </s>London. As I am native English speaker, I would not have any problem <s>to speak</s> speaking <s>English</s> fluently. And regarding my personality, I am quite happy and friendly, and I always try to do my best when I'm working.
Seeing the job <s>tasks</s> requirements, I am <s>totally</s> sure that <s>the job is bound to me</s> I would be a great fit for the job (3). I have been working (4) in several different <s>several</s> camps for the last four years<s> so I have quite experience</s> (5). I also love taking care of children, especially the young (6), because <s>it is pleasant to see</s> I love seeing how they enjoy ___? (7). In addition, I am good at <s>sports organizations</s> sports and I have been working as cook<s>er</s> for some years so I <s>could</s> would enjoy <s>try to teach </s>teaching <s>them something helpful related to cookery. </s>useful cooking skills.
<s>I'm looking to hearing from you soon.</s> (8) If you need more <s>personal</s> information <s>about me</s>, do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely,
Ruben
Overall, good job! Pretty clear. I added some amendments and notes specific to business emails - there's a balance between too formal and too casual that you have to navigate.
(1) Be specific: what is the title of the job you want to apply for? (Replace "the job offer" with the title, e.g. "... regards to the role of Camp Counselor at USA Summer Camps.")
(2) No need to tell the recipient that you're going to introduce yourself, it's redundant.
(3) "I would be a great fit for the job" --> very common phrase to use for applying for a job
(4) Use "have been working" if you're still (and currently) working at camps; use "have worked" if you have past experience working at camps, but are not currently working at a camp.
(5) "so I have quite the experience" --> can be mis-interpreted as bragging, so I would skip this phrase.
(6) "children" and "the young" are synonymous. Be more specific in the phrase, "especially the young" -- e.g. "especially grade school kids", "especially teenagers," etc.
(7) What activities do they enjoy?
(8) "I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon" --> This phrase might put an unintended expectation on the recipient to reply "soon." You don't want your potential employer to be pressured to reply soon (they might be annoyed with that expectation). Either remove this phrase, or rephrase as "Looking forward to your reply."
In general, you could be more specific in this letter. What was your past experience like? What camps did you work at? How long, and where, are you a cook? (You may have removed specific and personal information, which is very reasonable - just pointing this out since it wasn't in the text.)
