Formal letter - Job offer
Dear Mrs Connor,
I'm writing with regards to the job offer in order to work at USA Summer Camps.
First of all, I'm going to introduce myself. My name is Ruben, I am 26 years old and I live in the city center of London. As I am native I would not have any problem to speak English fluently. And regarding my personality, I am quite happy and friendly, and I always try to do my best when I'm working.
Seeing the job tasks, I am totally sure that the job is bound to me. I have been working in different several camps for last four years so I have quite experience. I also love taking care of children, especially the young, because it is pleasant to see how they enjoy. In addition, I am good at sports organizations and I have been working as cooker for some years so I could try to teach them something helpful related to cookery.
I'm looking to hearing from you soon. If you need more personal information about me, do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely,
Ruben
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Corrections · 2
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Dear Mrs. Connor
I've studied your opportunity with keen interest.
I know I am the best choice for your USA Summer Camps requirements.
I am a native English-speaker from London. My colleagues would tell you that my personality is perfectly suited to your needs; inspirational, helpful, friendly, courteous and kind.
Most importantly, I have a demonstrated track record of success at six? three? {always be specific} camps during the past four years.
(Need names, examples here)
I am passionate about caring for children. They are the future. I am creative in my approach to their development. I share with them and inspire them to enjoy my love of sports and cooking. My passion is infectious.
I will contact you next Monday, if we haven't spoken sooner. I would like to arrange a time when we can talk about this together.
Thank you very much for your time and interest
Sincerely,
Firstname Lastname
I've studied your opportunity with keen interest.
I know I am the best choice for your USA Summer Camps requirements.
I am a native English-speaker from London. My colleagues would tell you that my personality is perfectly suited to your needs; inspirational, helpful, friendly, courteous and kind.
Most importantly, I have a demonstrated track record of success at six? three? {always be specific} camps during the past four years.
(Need names, examples here)
I am passionate about caring for children. They are the future. I am creative in my approach to their development. I share with them and inspire them to enjoy my love of sports and cooking. My passion is infectious.
I will contact you next Monday, if we haven't spoken sooner. I would like to arrange a time when we can talk about this together.
Thank you very much for your time and interest
Sincerely,
Firstname Lastname
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Formal letter - Job offer
Dear Mrs Connor,
I'm writing with regards to the job offer in order to work at USA Summer Camps. (1)
Seeing the job tasks requirements, I am totally sure that the job is bound to me I would be a great fit for the job (3). I have been working (4) in several different several camps for the last four years so I have quite experience (5). I also love taking care of children, especially the young (6), because it is pleasant to see I love seeing how they enjoy ___? (7). In addition, I am good at sports organizations sports and I have been working as cooker for some years so I could would enjoy try to teach teaching them something helpful related to cookery. useful cooking skills.
Yours sincerely,
Ruben
Overall, good job! Pretty clear. I added some amendments and notes specific to business emails - there's a balance between too formal and too casual that you have to navigate.
(1) Be specific: what is the title of the job you want to apply for? (Replace "the job offer" with the title, e.g. "... regards to the role of Camp Counselor at USA Summer Camps.")
(2) No need to tell the recipient that you're going to introduce yourself, it's redundant.
(3) "I would be a great fit for the job" --> very common phrase to use for applying for a job
(4) Use "have been working" if you're still (and currently) working at camps; use "have worked" if you have past experience working at camps, but are not currently working at a camp.
(5) "so I have quite the experience" --> can be mis-interpreted as bragging, so I would skip this phrase.
(6) "children" and "the young" are synonymous. Be more specific in the phrase, "especially the young" -- e.g. "especially grade school kids", "especially teenagers," etc.
(7) What activities do they enjoy?
(8) "I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon" --> This phrase might put an unintended expectation on the recipient to reply "soon." You don't want your potential employer to be pressured to reply soon (they might be annoyed with that expectation). Either remove this phrase, or rephrase as "Looking forward to your reply."
In general, you could be more specific in this letter. What was your past experience like? What camps did you work at? How long, and where, are you a cook? (You may have removed specific and personal information, which is very reasonable - just pointing this out since it wasn't in the text.)
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