Doubts

Now the night has fallen on the town; I'm there lying on my couch, staring at the ceiling, wondering what's next.
Yet this day had not started so badbadly. Though I woke up with difficulty this morning, after a short night, the first rays of daylight provided me with a certain feeling of relief, or let's call it optimism. The first part of the day was fully loaded of this sentiment. For once, sinceafter a long time, I was feeling usefull useful again, seeing a sensepurpose to my work that I once thought lost. Again, I was pleased to hear people's concerns. Again I felt like involving myself toin this mission, helpingto help the helpless. That's when came the afternoonwhen the/an afternoon came with waves of more or less consistent concerns; those problems with desesperately desperate problems with no solution and those requests for solutions without any problem. And That's when I started to feel alone again. Everyone had their own thoughts and concerns, and/so today no one would hear about mine. Some hadwere much more serious than mine, finding themselves quite totally helpless facing them: this one fighting a cancer, that one taking care of a father suffering from severe dementia, other oneanother  suffering both from severe arthritis and looking after her demented husband while she herself was suffering from severe arthritis. My own thoughts were nothing compared to all this, but within every break in activity, they wentcame back, overwhelming me. I was in a struggle to look at people in the eye and not staringstare into space in an effort to concentrate on gettingunderstanding every word said to me. My day at work ended on a kind of dual sentiment, with the relief of getting ofby a harrassing day mixed with the anxiety of finding myself back alone  with my thoughtsalone with my thoughts again. A friend calling me unexpectedly would took me off ofdistract me from them for a while; at the beginning, I was feeling like telling him a little bit, but obviously the conversation was going right onwould move on to something else. The doubts instantly came back.
So here I am, lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, biting my lower lip...waiting.