correction

word sugesstion

*instead of young children's school, do you mean elementary school?

Essay;

Art and music class should be required in young children's school(ing) (or instead of saying "schooling", say "curriculum") like science and math classes. (...but this is a really long title. try shortening it.)

There has been an argument whether or not art and music classes should be required in young children's school like science and math classes. Some people might say that art and music classes are not that as important such as science and math classes. And others might oppose to this state, arguing that art and music classes is also play a great role to children by helping them children to think creatively and find their aptitude (or you could say, "...play a significiant role in helping children develop their creativity and aptititude"). (You refer to the -con- as "people" in your first sentence, but as "this state" in the second sentence. Keep it consistent.)

First of all, learning art and music can be beneficial to children in that children can develop their creativenessity. Children can learn how to express their feelings and emotions by drawing something or playing an instrument. And I do believe that kind of acting (this behavior) can lead the children to think more creatively than children who didn't do any art and music. For example, when I was young, I learned how to draw when I attend an art class as an extra curriculum at in school. I could learn how to express my feelings by drawing and painting things and that helped me to think differently and creatively. (In my opinion, it's best to use more specific nouns, rather than using a word such as "thing". )

Moreover, attending art and music classes are needed for children to find their aptitude. These days in Korea, many parents are giving their children the opportunity to learn drawing and playing instruments. And I believe that there must be some children who show their outstanding gifts in the class. There are still many people who think doing (studying) math and science is more important than doing art and music. However, I strongly disagree with this point (idea). If some children are showing their ability in playing the piano, I would like to give these children  the chances to learn the piano more deeply (or, "more in depth"). Who knows if they become really famous pianist later? In this respect, art and music classes are as important as math and science classes.

As I mentioned above, art and music class can affect children in many ways. The importance of learning art and music cannot be emphasized enough.

*When you write a persuassive essay, try to avoid "I believe", because it diminishes the persuassiveness of your essay. If you have sources you can cite, it's better for your essay. (Although I know this is an informal essay ㅎㅎㅎㅎ) I used to be an English tutor. :p

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I remember I wrote an essay on this topic before. ^^ I hold the same opinion as you. There weren't many errors. Most of my "corrections" are suggestions to make the sentences flow a little better. :)

Typhoon

This years, Korea's summer typhoon is comming us too lately.( Normally it struck on strikes in July.)
The more latter it arrives, the more strengther. stronger it is.

Today, the name of typhoon, 'Nakri', weakend today.
During the weekends, there is was a lot of rain and especially it has a strong winds.
So (Because of this,) many people are rescheduled their summer vacation plans or don't do outdoor activities.
Nakri meaning is the name of (means) Cambodia flower.

I'm sorry another typhoon "Halong" we will be under the influence of the typhoon next weekends. (i'm not sure about what you mean? -- "Next week another typhoon, Halong, will arrive." -- this is my guess.)

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This entry was from a while ago. I hope everyone was safe from the typhoon and the 날씨 wasn't too bad. 

Short note about the suicide.

This note is inspired by other friend in (on) italki.


I've studied about suicide for a long time, because It's not a rare accident ("event" or "incident") in Korea.

Korea is the most suiciding country in the world by matchless. (Using "matchless" and "most sucidal" is redundant. --suiciding is also not a word-- I think you're trying to say, "Korea is the country with the highest suicide rate in the world.") According to OECD statistics, Korea's suicide rate is as triple compared with OECD average rate. and the Suicide in Korea is No.1 reason of death  ("cause of death" is a more common phrase) for people between the ages 10 to 39.
If you are a person who interested in Korea, I think you need to know about this.

Anyway, I was wondering about the reason of (for) suicide. If we are the gene carrier(s), death in  (at a) young age is the worst thing for living creature(s). That's an unacceptable loss for at all.
Frankly, I thought that suicide is only for someone who too week (weak) to live and that never happened for me.
I was totally wrong.
Killing itself is basic function for every living thing from cells to advanced creatures. It just has a little more (higher) percentage for humans.
It's a kind of brain malfunction occurred by generic, environmental or memorial problems. (generic?)

So, I just want to say that everyone can suffered by wish to suicide, If you are not for now and you are the one who never suffered by this malfunction, then you are lucky like others.

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There weren't many problems in this large body of writing - which is great. ^^ (even though this statement sounds strange...) I don't know much about the reasons for suicide, but reading this has made me want to learn more about it.

How long is summer vacation in other countries? (not students, for employees)

Most companies give 5 days of summer vacation to their employees.
But some of the companies deduct from paid holidays for summer vacation, because (at the) every end of (every) year, companies should (pay) paid for money to their employees for (who have) unused paid holiday ("unused paid holiday"? I'm not sure about this one so I'm guessing "unused vacation hours"). 

So (the) department of administrator (or you could say "administrative department") encourage(s) to employees (to) use their summer vacation.

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The message is clearly understood, but you're just missing a few particles. ^^ I hope workers will recieve more vacation days/hours in the near future. 

If someone is rejected, the person needs to accept that.

When a person opens up about having a crush on someone, there are always some people who are eager to give a hand. But usually (I think "often" is another good word to replace for "usually"), they (are not considerate of the person's crush), (and) even overstepping the line (or instead of "line", "boundaries"). (Instead of this lengthy sentence, I tried to shorten it a little and make the sentence flow. ^^;) **"overstepping one's bounds" is a common idiom that is used.

The spectrum of feeling is various(wide?). A The color(s) of (the) rainbow is (are) not just seven bands, the continuum of it is difficult to (cannot) be defined. By the same token, one should not judge someone in black and white. One can, at the same time, like some aspects about a person and dislike other sides. Liking a person is not always linked to seeing(another good word to use is "viewing") the person as a potential boyfriend or a girlfriend. Just because liking or loving someone doesn't mean (that) it has to (or instead of "has to", you can say "must be", which has a -stronger- meaning of what I think you're trying to convey) be reciprocated with the same feeling, or   (and) conversely, being (having) unreciprocated (feelings) is not always (equivalent to) being hated.

If the feeling toward a man or a woman is not reciprocated, one should not force the feeling (by) harassing the person. Once the pressure is started, that is not just a pure feeling but a twisted feeling. An attitude of respecting and accepting the feeling is needed.

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You had some minor errors in your writing, but it is coherent overall. I really like how you used the spectrum as an analogy to feelings. Your journal entry was a nice read. ^^