correction

word sugesstion

*instead of young children's school, do you mean elementary school?

Essay;

Art and music class should be required in young children's school(ing) (or instead of saying "schooling", say "curriculum") like science and math classes. (...but this is a really long title. try shortening it.)

There has been an argument whether or not art and music classes should be required in young children's school like science and math classes. Some people might say that art and music classes are not that as important such as science and math classes. And others might oppose to this state, arguing that art and music classes is also play a great role to children by helping them children to think creatively and find their aptitude (or you could say, "...play a significiant role in helping children develop their creativity and aptititude"). (You refer to the -con- as "people" in your first sentence, but as "this state" in the second sentence. Keep it consistent.)

First of all, learning art and music can be beneficial to children in that children can develop their creativenessity. Children can learn how to express their feelings and emotions by drawing something or playing an instrument. And I do believe that kind of acting (this behavior) can lead the children to think more creatively than children who didn't do any art and music. For example, when I was young, I learned how to draw when I attend an art class as an extra curriculum at in school. I could learn how to express my feelings by drawing and painting things and that helped me to think differently and creatively. (In my opinion, it's best to use more specific nouns, rather than using a word such as "thing". )

Moreover, attending art and music classes are needed for children to find their aptitude. These days in Korea, many parents are giving their children the opportunity to learn drawing and playing instruments. And I believe that there must be some children who show their outstanding gifts in the class. There are still many people who think doing (studying) math and science is more important than doing art and music. However, I strongly disagree with this point (idea). If some children are showing their ability in playing the piano, I would like to give these children  the chances to learn the piano more deeply (or, "more in depth"). Who knows if they become really famous pianist later? In this respect, art and music classes are as important as math and science classes.

As I mentioned above, art and music class can affect children in many ways. The importance of learning art and music cannot be emphasized enough.

*When you write a persuassive essay, try to avoid "I believe", because it diminishes the persuassiveness of your essay. If you have sources you can cite, it's better for your essay. (Although I know this is an informal essay ㅎㅎㅎㅎ) I used to be an English tutor. :p

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I remember I wrote an essay on this topic before. ^^ I hold the same opinion as you. There weren't many errors. Most of my "corrections" are suggestions to make the sentences flow a little better. :)