01.10.2014

Everyone at  my home is sleeping right now. I just heard some drunk people laughing outside.
What made them so laugh out ?

I've had some problems that I should deal with by myself. I have no one to concur with. At first, I was inconceivably stressed out because nobody could even try to understand my situation. People handed responsibilities over to me, and I embraced them though I didn't want to work for them of my own accord. I was hemmed between people's different interests and opinions. Nor could I get hold of some brilliant solutions, neither I could extricate myself from that situation. If I hadn't been less patient to endure that situation, I was very discredited though I didn't have any mistakes. People usually don't care about how hard I work for them, but they don't hesitate to reproach for me at the mention of some news that they might take a loss. It hurt me, which lingered for a while. However, I embraced it spontaneously after a while because I conspicuously realized that their anger didn't point out to me. They just quivered whether they will lose something.

I am still on good terms with my friends, and I don't think that matter marred our relationships. Everyone is bound to hold his own whenever he wants to get something or doesn't want to lose something. Once I was brooding over what people have said to me. Now that I know their moods are just affected by some circumstances, I am not going to draw back from taking my responsibility-being attentive to all people, bundling their opinions up altogether, and imparting them to some related departments.

26.09.2014

What is the use of being in joyful moments if you were not with me?
When your eyes fell upon me, I must have seemed faintly capable of talking to you.
I could neither hear nor see, when the sudden moment with your ?? came about.
I fell back in order to hide that I am giving way to a sense of exaltation.
You are not to know my heart, how much I quivered in front of you.
While I didn't realize, you got a hold on me.

I know I already handed over my heart to you whoever passes by me.
What I long for above all is just encounter you again when I walk along a nameless street
on the chance of you to notice me in the midst of indifferent crowds.

this one is really beautiful!

To. Mr. P

Regarding the accident, I was very surprised !
God saved you and B.B!
People sometimes go to heaven by unexpected accidents, but those kinds of people always seem far away from me. I don't want this to be the story of me to get this kind of story as mine(i hope this is what you mean). Please be careful. I am very worried.
Although I don't have any religion, I cannot help praying for to God to take care of you and B.B.
I just realized that how miraculous the fact that we are still alive is. When we look around, there must be a lot of potential dangers, some of which exist very close to me.

During the short vacation, I talked with my friends all night long.
we talked over how and when we first met. We found out that our relationship sprung out from a very trivial and short moment. Nobody expected we would keep in touch with each other for such a long time even by after graduation from graduating high school. Then, we just became curious whether we were supposed to meet someday even if we hadn't met at the moment we first met. If she hadn't stood on in the hallway when I walked by her, would we never meet and befriend with each other?
 
Nobody couldn't(you cant have to negatives!) tell the answer easily, but we felt marvellous that one of the infinite possibilities came to be real, and we finally came to know each other.

We are still alive, and We know each other.

That's the very miracle.


Love and Admiration,
Minju

General Resolves # 1

I once compelled myself to do everything that I planned for the day. Every night, I thought about what to do for tomorrow and wrote them down in my diary. There was always little space to mark for checking right beside the list of my schedule. I am certain that it was a huge motivation for a productive life. From the moment when I opened my eyes, I ceaselessly thought about how I could achieve all of these things - I was very absorbed to clear each task from the schedule that I had done away from my diary. This daily pattern made me work with inexhaustible efforts. When I was not through with the day's schedule, I sneered at myself. Back then, some obsessions clasped me tightly-when I fell short of the day's standard, some ineffable shiftlessness held out over the night.
On the subject of my obsessions, I had some stories; I was very forced to study all day in high school, but I didn't do my best because I didn't find a reason to study and why I had to dedicate a lot of time to studying for. All of the teachers addressed interminable speeches over why we tried to save time. However, I didn't listen to them and still submerged in doing other things. As for now, I don't regret doing other things but I still brood over the fact that I didn't even try harder. As time lapsed, I admitted that I tried to draw back from facing my initiative work-study for entrance. I thought I had haddone enough of many trials, but my relatively bad scores dismayed me over again. Actually, I didn't give it many tries but helplessness permeated me even before I tried something to get for a better score. I was stumbling over my own imagination; the failures in the future which nobody was sure of would happen.
After I realized this, a sort of single-mindedness took me up. From then, I cherished time above all. I was in dread of the moment I was doing nothing because I felt like I did the same mistakes like when I was in high school. I was appalled by a thought that I had already wasted a lot of time in the past. For a long while, I didn't mingle with people to clear my schedule up. I ended up losing sight of friends-I had to use up all the time to finish a lot of things I'd decided to do. I was still entangled with the most regretful moments in high school, whereupon I could live a productive life, but my heart became marred by acute perfectionism and a lack of solidarity with my friends.

Do You Edit Your Memory?

It was when I took a walk along a crowded street in Seoul with a friend of mine. People kept walking and passing by us like when I look at the trees moving out of the window while I am in a car. We felt fresh, thinking nobody would overlook and overhear us. She once had told me that she had spent hard time last semester, but she had never talked about it in specific. I didn't want to ask about it either because she hadn't seemed to be ready to reveal her private story. I had just guessed that she might have faced some serious conflicts with people in her club. However, her story was totally different one from what I expected. As the sky grew darker, we decided to sit in a small bench on the street to get some rest. She stopped talking and asked me to pause our conversation for a while. I could see she was in a grief and she was trying to clear her mind up to say something to me. I waited and she just watched people walking by us. Most of them were smiling with their friends or someone.
She started talking about why she was completely depressed last semester, which lasted during the whole semester, so it was very hard for her to do her own things everyday. She was praying in the church with people from her christian club. She suddenly remembered of a priest saying, 'Some people must give their love to someone without conditions like parents to their children and teachers to their students. However, at the same time, she came to meet one of frightening memories which had been concealed under her subconsciousness; at the moment, she saw her mother running to her, holding a bat with her merciless face. She had to stop praying and go outside crying. People followed her and asked what the problem was, but she couldn't say anything. She said, "Only then, I realized that I have edited my memory to ease myself from the inconvenient truths. I had lived as though I had never had such kinds of things." She thought everything would be okay if she forgot all of bad memories, and she was likely to forget bad memories easily. However, she realized that the problems had not actually solved. She must face them and deal with them by any means so that she can be absolutley free from a sense of stuffed feeling when she meets people-in this case, her mother. While I listened to her, I thought all of us might have the same problems as hers. We often misunderstand that everything is okay, in fact we just do nothing but forget the truths.

The Right To Say 'No'

I visited a friend last weekend, who lives with another friend of mine. We three met in high school, often talked and took a walks together. They are kind of laid back and kept questioning themselves and Korean society; are we going right ? what is the final goal of our life? how could we become a better person? It was not easy to meet such kinds of friends-who like to talk about intellectual subjects, so I was very attracted to them and soon joined their conversation. After graduation from high school, we went to different colleges which are located in another regions though we wished we could often meet. We eventually ended up not keeping in touch with each other for a long time. One day, I got a call from one of them, who said that she currently lives with her friend(I will call her 'G' from now) in Seoul. She told me that G dropped out of her school and now she studies for a new university. She already finished two years there, which makes me not understand why she quitted.

When I arrived at my friend's house, G started talking about why she had to quit the school. She went to the Korean military academy. Many friends and I didn't think she would be doing well in that school because she always pursued freedom. which might get her in some conflicts at such a strict and stiffen organization. She said that she also thought she could spend hard days, but that was not a big deal. What the most afflicted her was that she couldn't even say 'no' whenever she went through some absurd circumstances-sexual harassment, violence and bullying from predecessors. She was not a victim of all of those occasions, but she couldn't keep silent after watching victims not get along with people like they used to. She told people including predecessors that they needed to fix their matters and compromise to get people to reconcile with. However, all she got was physical punishment and mockery from predecessors while her colleagues didn't give it a try to assist her. She could endure all of that mockery, but she eventually made up her mind about leaving the army after everyone said to her, "You believe you can change something, but that is just your futile hope. we thought you would stop after a single attempt, but now your endless courage makes other people hard." At the moment, she thought she might be alone in holding that belief. She had no one to concur with while she resisted unfairness of her accord. Everyone gave up saying 'no' however absurd things they met there.

wow! really well written! 

Karma

We sometimes should go through unexpected things; terrible accidents, betrayals from from those close to us, and even someone's death. At any time, it is people left behind who are heart broken or blame for themselves. They can question to themselves; 'Why did it happen to me?' From time to time, some unbearable things happen to us who believe that we are innocent, so we don't deserve them. I also thought that the things which happen in the world were not always fair. I believed that I was innocent and I didn't cause anything bad to happen. However, some bad things which didn't seem to be related to me, happened to me. All I could do was console myself, expect other people to console me, and get ready to be resilient for upcoming bad occasions.
However, I come to realize some facts concealed behind the impacts of the occasions. Although I don't believe in Buddhism, I agree a bit with their theory about the world: if I hurt other people, someday I must be hurt by other people too. While living on this planet, we are kind of destined to hurt other people and be hurt by other people during our whole life. We can't avoid all of the fights and quarrels, but at least we can minimize them. One who makes people around unhappy will never be able to be happy. People who are cut to the quick will leave that person, and people left behind will also be questioning whether they could trust him or not. When he gets in serious troubles, they probably won't help him out given his usual inappropriate behaviors. They are beside him physically, but that doesn't mean they stay with him emotionally.
Now, I think the bad things that I've gone through might be kind of the total amount of what I did wrong. Even unconsiously, I must have offended some people and I couldn't even realize what the matter was.. They already slided away from me by a stream of time, therefore I can't even see them again. Now that I know all of these things that I have never considered before, I am certain that I won't make the same mistakes again. However, everyone has already gone leaving regretful me behind.

Immature

I can still hear it raining. I didn't do anything special except going to the movies this evening. In the movie, the boy and the girl were seriously sick-they've got terminal diseases. Before the boy was gone, the girl said to him whom she was in love with : There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1 such as 0.1, 0.11, 0.12...Although we only have very limited time, you make my time endless. Before I met you, I was just waiting for my death. I didn't have anyone else who remembers me for ever. I am very happy for having you here, and I will remember you forever, and I will be remembered too. 

On my way home, I thought to myself, about what I did to my precious people. I guess I hurt some of them with by my stupid and careless words. Actually, I already knew those words might be able to make him mad, but I said them in a fit of anger. Although my time is not limited like the boy and the girl in the movie, I am also doomed to be gone someday. I could die right tomorrow while crossing the road. I don't know how much time I have for the rest of my life. If I suddenly should leave for the heaven right after I hurting people i didnt yet yet didn't reconcile with them, nothing would be worse than that. I couldn't regret more. How immature I was. I knew I have grown up very much, but I realized that I am still too immature.