Please check my translation of a Japanese song (the original words in Japanese included)

Here is the lyrics of the theme song by スガシカオ in my favorite documentary TV program on NHK, "プロフェッショナル　仕事の流儀(Professional: How I Do My Job)"
I'm translating the first half of the song. Please review and correct. Thanks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAdpzhIQQbU
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Stepping on the same mark, we all started off in a row.
ぼくらは位置について　横一列でスタートをきった

Seeing that guy stumbling, deep down, I was thinking it was great.
つまずいている　あいつのことを見て
本当はシメシメと思っていた

Forgiving someone and
Protecting my loved ones
誰かを許せたり　大切な人を守れたり

I haven't learned to do even a thing either of those.
いまだ何一つ　サマになっていやしない

Same as always, I'm no good, like on that day.
相変わらず　あの日のダメな　ぼく

My ideal self I've been always looking for was a bit cooler, but
ずっと探していた　理想の自分って
もうちょっとカッコよかったけれど

the days and the path I've been living seem to be actually called "myself"
僕が歩いてきた　日々と道のりを
ほんとは“ジブン”っていうらしい

世界中にあふれているため息と
君とぼくの甘酸っぱい挫折に捧ぐ…
It's This is dedicated to the sighs everywhere all around the world and the bitter sweet failures of mine and yours

“あと一歩だけ、前に　進もう”
"Let's move just one step forward"

 

I'm really impressed.  It is challenging to translate such things as lyrics, where the use of words can't be directly translated. Coming up with a suitable replacement of words and phrases in a non-native language, takes a strong knowledge of that language.  And I really think you did a great job, as I read both the Japanese and the English.

 

For me, going from English to Japanese is much harder than Japanese to English.  So I think it is great you took that challenge.

 

I'm going to offer some additional thoughts and ways I may have, personally translated it into English.

 

Stepping on the same mark, we all started off in a row.

ぼくらは位置について　横一列でスタートをきった

 

'In a row', is a bit ambiguous in English.  Often when we say 'in a row', we mean 'consecutively', or 'one after another'.  For example, "I won rock-paper-scissors three times in a row".  So in this translation, I can't tell if we were "in a row" side by side, or if we started "in a row", one after another.

 

Here's my translation:

We started off side by side from the same position.

 

Seeing that guy stumbling, deep down, I was thinking it was great. 
つまずいている　あいつのことを見て 
本当はシメシメと思っていた 

 

I really like how you came up with the phrase 'deep down', it's a good expression for this situation.  I think a good translation for シメシメと思う is "take pleasure in ~, deep down"

 

My translation:

Deep down, I really took pleasure in seeing that guy stumbling.

 

Forgiving someone and 
Protecting my loved ones 
誰かを許せたり　大切な人を守れたり

 

When I first read this, for some reason, I really wanted to know who that "someone" was.  But after noticing this was in the potential form, I think it flowed better in English as well.

 

Being able to forgive someone and protect [those|the one] I love,

 

I haven't learned to do either of those. 
いまだ何一つ　サマになっていやしない 

 

I would probably translate サマになっていやしない as the phrase 'less than perfect'.  Which means "I try, but I make a lot of mistakes"

 

I'm still less than perfect when it comes to either of those things.

 

My ideal self I've been always looking for was a bit cooler, but 
ずっと探していた　理想の自分って 
もうちょっとカッコよかったけれど 

 

Good translation on this.  Given the Japanese sentence, I couldn't come up with a better translation.  My only thought is that is using 'but' at the end of statement doesn't sound as natural as it does in Japanese.  To help the flow into the next statement here is what I would say in English.

 

Although, my ideal self that I've always been looking for was a bit cooler,

 

the days and the path I've been living seem to be actually called "myself" 
僕が歩いてきた　日々と道のりを 
ほんとは“ジブン”っていうらしい 

 

I actually struggled how this should be translated.  I think you did a good job on translating this sentence, but it still sounds a bit awkward in English.  I think ~っていう is very natural sounding Japanese, but 'called ~' is not used as much in English.  I'm still struggling on finding a good English translation to this but this is what I came up with.

 

my path in life, it seems, has actually just been a path of self.

Really good job on this translation.

 

Description for My Video 'Marunouchi Illumination 2012, Tokyo'

Marunouchi Nakadori Avenue, passing between the Imperial Palace and Tokyo Station, is outlined by beautiful trees. Street trees Trees along a street usually consist of only one kind of tree, however, the trees of the along this avenue are different. You can see various kinds of trees in them.

The trees are decorated with light bulbs from mid-November to mid-February every year. But this year, the illumination event started on October 1st. It was to commemorate the restoration of the main building of Tokyo Station which was unveiled on the same day. 230 trees beside along the 1.2 km avenue were lit by one million LEDs and are enjoyed by delighted people walking by.

Here is a video of Tokyo Station, 'Restored Tokyo Station Building Unveiled'. Check this out as well!
http://youtu.be/UNYdlHUfE0A

- Shot in 1080p full HD with an iPhone 4S on Oct. 1st, 2012


http://youtu.be/Uxv0NhKhs4c

http://www.youtube.com/user/ohayuni71 --Visit for more videos--

 

 とてもよく書かれましたよ。あの通りはきれいですね。

Smoking

I am a light smoker.
I smoke about ten cigarettes per day.
Thinking needs to take a break.

(文法的に前の文には間違いがありませんが。私には意味がちょっと分からなくて、２個の堪能な文を挙げます。意味がかなり違うので気をつけてください。）

Sometimes I need a break from thinking.

Taking a break helps thinking. 

I think that smoking has the work which deepens thinking.
“Columbo” of the Los Angeles city police department often smokesing a cigar.
“Sherlock Holmes“ also was puffing at his pipe.
Would you like one cigarette at when taking a break?

 

英語が上手ですね。

 

私は一服も吸った事がありませんから、個人的に言えないけど、これは違うと思います。タバコを吸う事は思考能力を悪化するそうです。多分、禁断症状で考えにくくなってこういうふうに思うかなと思っています。

 

勿論、人が吸うかどうかは個人的な決断ですから、判断しません。

Today's mail for work: additional fees.

I think that function feature addition is not  won't add additional fees.
I will inquire with the Ddevelopment Ccompany tomorrow.

I inquired for concerning additional fees with the Ddevelopment Ccompany.
They said it is not there won't be additional fees.
However, they said the schedule will increase one day.

おそらく、その機能追加は追加請求にならないと思います。
明日、開発会社に確認させていただきます。

開発会社に確認したところ、追加請求はありませんが、
1日程、開発スケジュールが伸びるとのことです。


※仕事のメールで、実際に使ったメッセージを英訳してみました。

Good job.  Good luck with English.

 

Diary: Tetsujin-28 in Nagata, Kobe(August 26)

Today, I went to Kobe to do some shopping. I often go to Kobe. :)

Kobe is not far from Osaka. It takes 30 minutes from Osaka by train. And I like Kobe Bbecause there are beautiful harbor and beaches, a beautiful harbor, China town, and old Wwestern houses.

After I finished shopping, I went to see the monument of "Tetsujin-28" in Nagata. It's made of steel and is 15.39 meters tall and weighs 50 tons. "Tetsujin-28" is famous and is the first giant robot in a Japanese manga. He stands as a symbol of revival after the big Earthquake in 1995. I took a picture with him! He is big, isn't he? :)

And I ate Chinese food in China town for dinner. It was yummy!

I had a good time! ;)

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Good job!

"there are beautiful harbor and beaches" - ここでの文法規則はちょっと複雑だと思います。まず、are と beaches は複数形だけど harbor は単数形ですね。もし、harbor を複数形にすれば、"there are beautiful harbors and beaches" で、もし、beaches を単数形にすれば、"there is a beautiful harbor and beach" になります。でも、こういう風に複数形と単数形を交ぜてはいけませんと思います。複数形と単数形が両方あるから、are は複数形をとって、are の直後にも複数形を使わなければなりませんので "there are beautiful beaches and ..." で始まります。最後に、beaches と harbor の時制は一致してないから、beautiful を繰り返さなければならないと思います。それで、結局、"there are beautiful beaches and a beautiful harbor" になります。

""Tetsujin-28" is famous and is the first giant robot in a Japanese manga." - I added 'is' to make the sentence grammatically correct, but I think ""Tetsujin-28" is famous <em>for being</em> the first giant robot in a Japanese manga." sounds more natural, but the meaning changes a bit, so I didn't want to make that correction above.

upsetting. 混乱中　?(ﾟ_｡)?(｡_ﾟ)?

Have you ever been confused when you are learning a language?
言葉を勉強していて混乱したことはありませんか？

forFor instance, between similar words, like "complain" and "compliment".
例えば、似たような単語「complain」と「compliment」みたいな。

If you saidwere to say to me, "you have a beautiful hair". I should [reply and] say, "thanks for your compliment.".
もしあなたが私に「綺麗な髪だね」って言ったなら、私は「褒めてくれてありがとう」というわなきゃね。

But that case isit would be wrong that if I said "thanks for your complaint".
でも、「あなたの不平に感謝するわ」は間違いだもんね。

I have a lot of like that words. There are a lot of words like that to me.
私はそういう単語がたくさんあるの。

another forHere's another instance, "explain","experience","experiment".
他にも、"explain","experience","experiment"とか。

That meanings isare too different, that's why if I have wrong how to usewere to use the wrong one, I may give you impoliteend up being impolite to you.
意味はあまりにも違うからもし私が間違った使い方をしたら、失礼になるかもしれないよね。

Did you haveHave you had like that experiences like that?
そんな経験ありませんか？

Good job!

I added "were to" in "If you were to say to me", and "If I were to use the wrong one".  Strictly speaking, "were to" is not necessarly needed, however, I think it makes it sound a bit better, because it emphasizes the situation is hypothetical.

"like that" should follow the noun, such as "words like that", and "experiences like that".

The correct verb that goes with impolite/polite is "be", instead of "give".

他に質問があれば是非お気軽に聞いてくださいね。

Here's a similar question http://www.italki.com/answers/question/108402.htm There are a lot of texting abbreviations. It may be good to know some common ones. Here is a website that lists some. http://textingabbreviations.blogspot.com/ Of course, abbreviating this way is very casual. So I wouldn't use in any formal situations.