Hi Claudia!
You did really well writing a long passage! To be honest, I don't really see any big (or small for that matter) issues but thought I'd include some suggestions to improve phrasing or provide alternative ways of saying things that may come across as more formal, given that this text recounts a professional (ie. work) experience.
What Is Your Greatest Professional Achievement?
My main job is to look for potential products from China and South Korea and win the exclusive agency rights in Taiwan, Hong Kong, and Macau.
This job needs a lot of communication with many people from different positions.
<ul><li>Nothing wrong with this sentence, although something in my gut tells me that within this context "...<em>needs a lot of communication..." </em>sounds a little bit awkward, here are some alternatives:</li></ul>
1) This job requires a lot of communication with many people from a variety of positions.
2) This job requires communication with a diverse range of working professionals.
Internally, I talk about products with the operating department, marketing department, and boss.
<ul><li>Again the general gist of the sentence makes sense, but here's how we can improve the phrasing</li></ul>
1) Internally, I discuss with the operating department, marketing department and my boss the (potential value of the) products I find.
<ul><li>I added parentheses to words that don't really need to be tin the sentence for it to make sense but give some extra detail</li></ul>
Externally, I contact more than 100 development companies at the same time and constantly look for new products every day (that may be profitable in the Taiwan/Hong Kong/Macau market).
<ul><li>this sentence was great on its own, I added in parentheses some extra detail</li></ul>
On average, I could find about 100 products for the team to choose from. In the end, the team might only choose 2-3 (products) <s>to leave</s>.
<ul><li>you already specified 'products' in the previous sentence so it doesn't have to be included here but it still makes sense even if you do, it just sounds a little bit superfluous in my opinion</li></ul>
A few products still need to go through quality testing and market research, as well as the final quote decision, negotiations, and bidding<s>,</s> - so <s>that</s> my greatest professional achievement is when I <s>obtained</s> obtain the exclusive agency rights for <s>the</s> games because every product is one in a thousand.
<ul><li>I included a hyphen (-) instead of a comma after "<em>bidding</em>" because this is the start of a new idea that builds upon the previous half</li><li class="ql-indent-1">also technically the comma after "<em>negotiations</em>" is unnecessary (we call commas after 'and' an oxford comma) but the legitimacy of oxford commas are still up for debate so I just left it alone lol</li><li>I changed obtained to obtain because you used "is" - you need to keep the tense consistent.</li></ul>
Among the products that have obtained exclusive agency rights, two of them impressed me.
<ul><li>could also say "two of them stood out)</li></ul>
Last year we were evaluating a product that PM intended to give up, however because of my positions, I knew that all the departments’ supervisors, including my boss wanted to publish this product.
<ul><li>words and punctuation that were missing are in
bold (
the, supervisors
, and
my)</li></ul>
Therefore, my task was to convince the PM not to give up the product.
<ul><li>Added
the and put a full stop so that it wasn't just one huge sentence. Long sentences are cumbersome.</li></ul>
So, I said this product could <s>make</s> provide us <s>have</s> with more chances to obtain an executive agency right for a wider variety of types products in the future, and we had lacked long-term products for a long time. Besides, I put forward the idea that the marketing cost was lower than the competitive products after comparing the marketing materials with other <s>same types of</s> similar products on the market. I successfully convinced the PM to agree to let the product make the quotation. Of course, I also discussed PM's concerns with the developers and put the concerns in the attachment of the contract.
In the end, we published the product successfully. The company attached great importance to this product and we participated in the game show. In the future, when negotiating the same type of products, the developers <s>are</s> will also be more confident in <s>us</s> and more willing to discuss the details with us.
Overall this was written really well, all my edits were just to give it a little bit more spice, good job!
June 4, 202010
June 1, 202020
