Hope the native speakers and professional teachers give me some advices.
Here is an essay of my student,whom Im helping with her IELTS preparation.Ive already corrected some mistakes,with "()".Hope the native speakers and professional teachers give me some advices.
In this age of change,there are many successful aports professhionals becoming celebrities and stars in our country(all around the world.I just feel it weird to say our country?).They can earn a pack of ( large amounts of )money and they can live very extravagant in living with huge houses and fancy cars(can live a extravagant life style,such as living in huge houses and driving fancy cars).As a result,more and more young people decide to become a athlete and want to be successful in sport to earn more money(get rich).However,some people think that it is reasonable that people (who are)successful in sport can earn much (more) money than the people in other professions while others think it is unfair.In this essay ,I will dicuss both views about
this issue.
To begin with,the successful professional athletes represent the image of their own country(countries),which means they are under high pressure from the media and they do not have individual privacy,as their act will be exposed to the public.Besides,their success can bring the honor to their country(counrties). In addition,becoming professional in sport needs a lot of time to train(do training).So (Thus,)almost their whole youth is dedicated to training.In other words,they must give up the time of entertainment.Overall,it is justified that they can earn a great deal of more money than the other professionals.
On the other hand,some other people believe that the professionals in some other important fields deserve to earn more money (more wages(I think she says ‘earn money’ too many times) )than in athletes.Because the people in some important professions,such as scientists and surgeous,(who)can improve the development of biotechnology which can protect the environment,in the meanwhile,surgeons can cure people’s disease(sick people)and (even)save one’s life(their lives).
To sum up,I would like to say that sports professionals deserve to earn a great deal of money (gain great wealth,(too many ‘earn money’and ‘a great deal of’)),(but) at the same time ,people should pay more attention to other more crucial professions.