Hope the native speakers and professional teachers can give me some advice.

Here is an essay from one of my student,who I'm helping with her IELTS preparation. I've already corrected some mistakes,with "()". Hope the native speakers and professional teachers give me some advice.

[Your student needs to stop writing with sogou and switch the system language to English when they're typing. The punctuation looks awful.]

In this age of change, there are many successful sports professionals becoming celebrities and stars in our country and all around the world. They can earn a  lot of money and they can live very extravagantly, living in huge houses, having fancy cars. As a result, more and more young people decide to become athletes and want to be successful in sport to earn more money. However, some people think that it is reasonable that people who are successful in sport can earn much more money than people in other professions while others think it is unfair. In this essay, I will dicuss both views about this issue.

To begin with, successful professional athletes represent their countries ,which means they are under high pressure from the media and they do not have individual privacy, as their act will be exposed to the public. Besides, their success can bring honor to their countries. In addition, becoming a professional athlete needs a lot of time for training. So almost their whole youth is dedicated to training. In other words,they must give up their free time. It is justified that they can earn a great deal of more money than other professionals.

[You shouldn't use overall unless you're summing up, unless you've looked at both sides and decided which side you support.]

On the other hand, some other people believe that professionals in some other important fields deserve to earn more than athletes. Because scientists can improve the development of biotechnology which can protect the environment and surgeons can cure people’s diseases and even save their lives.

To sum up,I would like to say that sports professionals deserve to earn a great deal of money but at the same time, people should pay more attention to other more crucial professions.

[Stop using Chinese punctuation writing English. It looks awful.]

Hope the native speakers and professional teachers give me some advices.

Here is an essay of my student,whom Im helping with her IELTS preparation.Ive already corrected some mistakes,with "()".Hope the native speakers and professional teachers give me some advices.


In this age of change，there are many successful aports professhionals becoming celebrities and stars in our country(all around the world.I just feel it weird to say our country？).They can earn a pack of ( large amounts of )money and they can live very extravagant in living with huge houses and fancy cars（can live a extravagant life style，such as living in huge houses and driving fancy cars）.As a result,more and more young people decide to become a athlete and want to be successful in sport to earn more money（get rich）.However,some people think that it is reasonable that people （who are）successful in sport can earn much （more） money than the people in other professions while others think it is unfair.In this essay ,I will dicuss both views about
this issue.

To begin with,the successful professional athletes represent the image of their own country(countries),which means they are under high pressure from the media and they do not have individual privacy，as their act will be exposed to the public.Besides,their success can bring the honor to their country(counrties). In addition,becoming professional in sport needs a lot of time to train(do training).So (Thus,)almost their whole youth is dedicated to training.In other words,they must give up the time of entertainment.Overall,it is justified that they can earn a great deal of more money than the other professionals.

On the other hand，some( other )people believe that the professionals in( some )other important fields deserve to earn more money (more wages(I think she says ‘earn money’ too many times) )than in athletes.Because the people in some important professions，such as scientists and surgeous，（who）can improve the development of biotechnology which can protect the environment，in the meanwhile，surgeons can cure people’s disease（sick people）and (even)save one’s life(their lives).

To sum up,I would like to say that sports professionals deserve to earn a great deal of money (gain great wealth,(too many ‘earn money’and ‘a great deal of’)),(but) at the same time ，people should pay more attention to other more crucial professions.