IELTS Essay: A Visitor In My Country, Thanks so much in advance. (help me with corrections please)

Question:
A foreign visitor has only one day to spend in your country. Where should this visitor go on that day? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

I would like to say that the place I would recommend to a tourist who just wants to spend one day in my country is a city called “Yazd”. Yazd is a desert city located approximately in the center of Iran. I would suggest This city is strongly recommonded because this it is an amazing city with architecture, history, culture and nature in which the person could be surprised how a city could garner gather all those aspects of being a rich city.  (To avoid repeating "I would", I varied the third sentence of this paragraph).
The city has an over 3000 years history which had been was occupied with Zorostrian people with the religion called Zorostrianism as an ancient religion of Iran. There are several sites which that person could visit historical buildings and structures such as fire temple, castles, sculptures, and mosques. The castles are so old ancient that the person could imagine all events happened in the past by walking through its saloons connecting to many small rooms equipped by old made facilities. There are two famous mosques which are called Amir Chakhmagh and Jame mosques of Yazd which are starling places to be visited by a visitor.
Homes and buildings are specially built adapted for a desert environment and weather which is fascinating for both Iranian people and surly surely a foreigner. Besides, there are some entertainment choices in the center of desert such as riding camels and motors, going stargazing at night and so on. Additionally, traditional foods and cookies are well-known and delicious in different kind of places from traditional restaurants to modern restaurants.
In short, I think a visitor would enjoy whole the day spending in this city with divers ranges of places and entertainments which that person could chose.

Nice writing! :) When will you sit the IELTS exam? Mine is next Saturday :(

Story 05 24 2014

One day, a rich man was travelling overseas. He dropped by/stayed in a high-class/first-rated hotel.
He realized that the guest host of the hotel did was not aware that he was is actually a wealthy person. Hence, during the breakfast time, he raised his voice and said/ said aloud on top of his voice, "Please give me a 20 franc breakfast."
The waiter replied, "Sorry, sir. We do not sell half-priced breakfast here."

P/s: This story is hilarious =D Thanks :)) 

In recent years, many people has become conscious of the fact that studying a foreign language in earliest grades is likely to be of great benefit to the development of children. Thus, a large majority of parents are willing to spend expensive tuition fee for their children in order that they can be proficient in second language. In my point of view, I strongly agree with their decision. 

First of all, many studies show that children learns more quickly in early ages. It is clearly seen that children often ask adults many questions because they tend to be attractive in discovering and experiencing new things in daily life. Therefore, to learn foreign language is slightly straightforward for them compared to adults.

On the other hand, it is pivotal for them to learn different cultures. Because Since learning new language may provides them golden opportunity to communicate with foreign friends to obtain valuable information. For that reason, it could be beneficial to children's development as well as broadening their career path in the future.

You need to write an alternative conclusion :)

P/s: Overall, you did a good job. There are only some minor mistakes. I just tried to rewrite it in my style :)

New day

Today is Sunday. My birthday is on the next three days. Next week is my weekend. The snow is falling heavily on streets, which turns it into white. I hope that there will be that much snow on New Year Eve as well :)