Please correct my essay:) I'm taking an exam on Sunday. So I need your help!!!

First of all , less stress is more important than having assets. Because, If we become mentally fatigued and quit our jobs, we will suffer severe financial problems. Therefore, I think that working consistently with less pressure is essential to financial stability.

Secondly, having good personal relationships are precious. I have met a lot of elderly people in my workplace. They have not been able to do a lot of things such as memorizing, walking, writing and even eating. If they did not have good personal relationships, they could not enjoy their remaining time. We become old without exception. Therefore, we should not only work too hard but also have fun with family and friends. When we will retire from jobs, these relationships will make our lives wonderful.

For these reasons, I do not think that I need success in business and too much money in my life. Suggestions for last sentence: Therefore, I don't think success and money are the most important things in business. 

For these reasons, I don't think having success and money is the most important thing in business.

Please correct my essay:) I'm taking an exam on Sunday so I need your help!!!

I think that happiness is more important than success in business. I have two reasons to support my view.

First of all , less stress is more important than having assets. If we have mental fatigue and quit our jobs, we will suffer from severe financial problems. Therefore, I think that working consistently is essential.

Secondly, having good personal relationships is precious. I have met a lot of elderly people in my workplace. They have not been able to do a lot of things such as memorizing, walking, writing and even eating. As they did not have good personal relationships, they could not enjoy their remaining lives. We become old without exception. Therefore, we should not only work too hard but also have fun with family and friends. After we retire from our jobs, that will make our lives wonderful.

For these reasons, I do not think that I need success in business and too much money in my life.

1. No need to introduce the sentence here with because.

2. Either you have mental fatigue OR you become mentally fatigued.

3. Good learning ! Keep practising

Please correct my essay:) I'm taking a exam on Sunday. So I need your help!!!

First of all, less stress is more important than having assets. Because, if we become a mental fatigued and quit our jobs, we will suffer severe financial problems. Therefore, I think that working consistently is essential.

Secondly, having good personal relationships is precious. I have met a lot of elderly people in my workplace. They have not been able to do a lot of things such as memorizing, walking, writing and even eating. If they did not have good personal relationships, they could not enjoy the remaining part of their lives their remaining lives. We all become old without exception. Therefore, we should not only work too hard but also have fun with family and friends. After we will retire from our jobs, that is what will make our lives wonderful.

For these reasons, I do not think that I need success in business and nor do I need too much money in my life.

Please correct my essay:) I'm taking an exam on Sunday. S so I need your help!!!

First of all , less stress is more important than having assets. B because, if we become a mentally fatigued and quit our jobs, we will suffer severe financial problems. Therefore, I think that working consistently is essential. 

Secondly, having good personal relationships is precious. I have met a lot of elderly people in my workplace. They have not been able to do a lot of things such as memorizing, walking, writing and even eating. If they did not have good personal relationships, they could not enjoy their remaining lives. We become old without exception. Therefore, we should not only work too hard but also have fun with family and friends. (this sentence suggests we should work too hard which contradicts your earlier thought about less stress. Work hard, yes. Work TOO hard, no.) After we will retire from jobs, that will make our lives wonderful.

For these reasons, I do not think that I need success in business and too much money in my life.

I don't think you've responded to the 'Impact on society' bit.