An essay : please let me know what my mistakes are. thank you so much

the subject: "A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this sentence? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?"

There has been considerable debate among people over whether TV programs which contain violence affect young people. All societies and governments are searching for measures to reduce the amount of violence in society.
It is generally acknowledged that TV programs influence children and young people. Although TV and cinema have many advantages, there are some programs which encourage violence and send out messages which glamorise criminal behaviour in favour of being a villain. One example is a program showing a murderer killing people regarding who helps poor people.  This can set a bad example to young people. Another good example is some programs in which where a villain becomes a rich person by the end. Young people may think about following their example.

To avoid violence in society or at least to reduce it, both governments and families have to take responsibility. One measure that governments can take is to control the media, including cinema and TV programs, and ban the broadcasting of programs which incite violence. Another measure is to enact criminal laws. Charges should be pressed if someone inflicts violence on others.  This will help to ensure that children become aware of the consequences of their bad actions. Families, on the other hand, are responsible for helping children to distinguish wrong from right. It is necessary for parents to control what kind of TV programs their children watch.

To conclude, It is accepted that TV programs which have high amounts of violence influence young people and encourage them to harm other people. To keep society safe, families and governments bear the burden of guiding young people towards being lovers of peace.

An essay : please let me know what my mistakes are. thank you so much

The subject: "A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this sentence? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?"

There has been considerable debate among people over whether TV programs {having<--(consider replacing with portraying, displaying etc.)} violentce actions could have effects on young individuals?. All societies and governments are searching to find some measure to reduce the amount of violence in society.
It is generally acknowledged that TV programs influence children and young people. Although TV and cinema have many advantages, there are some programs which encourage violence and send a message in favour of being a villain. For example, a program showing a murderer killing people {regarding to help poor people<--(misplaced sentence fragment?)} can set a bad example for young people. AnOther good examples are some programs in which a villain will be a rich person at the end. Young individuals may think to follow the person.
To avoid violence in society, or at least to reduce it, both governments and families are responsible. One measure by governments is to control the media, like cinema and TV programs, to and ban them if the programs incite violence. Another measure is to {put <-- consider replacing with adopt, instill, etc.} some laws for guilt. There has to be some charge if one bothers another one with violent action or behavior so children could be aware of the result of their bad actions. Families, on the other hand, are responsible to help children to distinguish wrong and right. It is necessary for parents to avoid allowing children to watch every kind of TV programs.
To conclude, It is accepted that TV programs which have high amounts of violence influence young people so that children could be encouraged to harm others people. To keep society safe, this is a burden for families and governments to guide young individual towards being a pacifistic person.

Great work!

Consider using alternative words. Also, be careful to pluralize words where they are needed and be wary of repeating words too frequently.

An essay : please let me know what my mistakes are. thank you so much

the subject: "A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this sentence? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?"

There has been considerable debate among people over whether TV programs having violent actions could have effects on young individuals. All societies and governments are searching to find some measure to reduce the amount of violence in society.
It is generally acknowledged that TV programs influence children and young people. Although TV and cinema have many advantages, there are some programs which encourage violence and send a message in favour of being a villain. For example, a program showing a murderer killing people regarding to helping poor people can set a bad example for young people. Another good example are some programs in which a villain will be a rich person at the end. Young individuals may think to follow the person.
To avoid violence in society or at least to reduce it, both governments and families are responsible. One measure by governments is to control the media, like cinema and TV programs, to ban if the programs incite violence. Another measure is to put some laws for guilt. There has to be some charge if one bothers another one with violent action or behavior so children could be aware of the result of their bad actions. Families, on the other hand, are responsible to help children to distinguish wrong and right. It is necessary parents to avoid children to watch every kind of TV programs.
To conclude, It is accepted that TV programs which have high amount of violence influence young people so that children could be encouraged to harm other people. To keep society safe, this is a burden for families and governments to guide young individual towards being a pacifistic person.

(Incredible, keep it up.)