Corrections · 36
Forbidden Love
It was a rainy, thundery day. Mary sat by the bay window, writing a letter.
She wrote uncommonly slow as she needed to consider every single word she used. She finished it in the afternoon, after sitting for about three hours before her desk.
Then, she put the letter into a pink envelope.
"Mary, where are you?" asked she.
"Your Grace, I am here. May I help you?" replied Mary, her most trusted servant.
"Pray prepare my cab. I need to be at Jonelli Villa by two." she gave the letter to her, "If I never come back, pray send this to the Parliament."
"Yes, ma'am."
(Forty minutes later)
She arrived at Jonelli Villa at half past one.
A servitor whom she knew came and escorted her into the stately villa.
"Welcome, Your Grace, pray follow me, this way," said the servitor, bowing deeply.
"No ceremony, David, no ceremony!" shrilled Mary. "Where is the duke?"
"He is in the bed chamber, Your Grace."
"Bring me to him, now! now!"
Hastily, the servitor ushered her up the stairs and into the chamber.
"Oh, John... thank you, David... pray leave us alone,"
"Yes, Your Grace."
In the bed, there was a man lying feebly. He looked cadaverous. However, from the features of his countenance, one still could tell that he was a handsome nobleman.
"John, I am here, can you hear me?" she whispered in his left ear.
He gave no respond. Obviously, he was near his end. Such a young age.
"Almighty God, have mercy on me." she uttered the prayer.
"Mary..." he uttered weakly.
"John, my love... are you all right?" asked she, beginning to sob uncontrollably. She pulled a pink handkerchief out of the pocket, wiping away her tears.
"Mary... listen... listen to me. You must not be sad... be... be brave... I will die soon... seem our Lord like me very much... I will soon to be with him..." he panted. "Our Lord will always watch over you, and so will I... Marry him, Mary... the... the marriage will certainly consolidate your position... I want you to be safe, safe! I will no longer be in your way..."
"Never! If you are to die, then bring me along. I cannot live without you!" her cry intensified.
"No! No! You must not keep that idea in your mind, even for a single second!" he shouted at her. "Your duty..."
He stopped, for evermore.
"Calm down, John... John? No! Noooooooooo......!" she cried.
The servitor dashed into the room, speechless upon his master's demise.
She had lost the man she loved the most, forever.
******
This is the excerpt from one of his love letter to her:
"... As you know, our marriage is impossible: however, our love will be eternal. If you are married one day, I will not be sad, as I believe your heart will always be connected with mine. Mary, do not let your heart rule your head. I do not want to be one of your obstacles."
In the bed, There in the bed, was the enfeebled Duke was a man lying feebly. He looked cadaverous. However, from the features of his countenance, one still could tell that he was once a handsome nobleman/creature.
"John... I am here. Can you hear me?" she whispered into his left ear.
He gave no respond. Obviously, he was near his end. Such a young tender age.
"Almighty God! Have mercy on me." She crieduttered the prayer.
"Mary..." He uttered weakly.
"John, my love... are you all right?" asked as she, beginning began to sob uncontrollably. She pulled out a pink handkerchief out of the pocket, wiping away her tears.
"Mary... Listen... Listen to me... You must Do not be sad... Be... Be brave... I will shall die soon... seemed our the Lord likes me very too much... I will soon to be with him..." he panted. "Our The Lord will always watch over you, and so will I... Marry him, Mary... the... the marriage will certainly consolidate your position... I want you to be safe, very safe! I will no longer be in your way..."
"Never! If you go are to die, then bring me along. I cannot live without you!" her cry cries/sobs intensified.
"No! No! You must not keep that idea in your mind, not even for a single second!" he shouted at gently chided her. "Your duty..."
He stopped, for evermore.
"Calm down, Hush John... John? No! Noooooooooo......!" she screamed cried.
The servitor dashed into the room, speechless upon seeing his master's demise.
She had lost the man she loved the most. Forever separated from her.
******
This is the excerpt from one of his love letters to her:
"... As you know, our marriage is will never be impossible. However, our love will be eternal. If you are marry ied one day, I will not be sad. as I believe your our hearts will always be interwined connected with mine. Mary, do not let your heart rule your head. I do not shall never want to be one of your an obstacles in your life."
1. In this setting, a cab means a horse drawn vehicle for public hire. Since you used "my" then it cannot be for hire and so must be her own. Your story is mysterious and we don't know who is she exactly except that she is the duchess because of the title you used on her.
From the style, I am assuming that you are trying to write a Gothic piece :)
Forbidden Love
It was a rainy, thundery day. Mary sat by the bay window, writing a letter.
She wrote uncommonly slow as she needed to consider every single word she used. She finished it in the afternoon, after sitting for about three hours before her desk.
[By afternoon, she was done/finished; after having to sit before her desk for three hours.]
Then, she put placed the letter into a pink envelope.
"Mary, where are you?" she asked she.
"Your Grace, I am here. May I help you [She's a servant to be beckoned at any time.]" replied Mary, her most trusted servant answered. [I assume the servant is not named Mary also!]
"Pray Prepare my carriage1 cab. I need to be at the Jonelli Villa by two." As she gave handed the letter to her, "If I should never return come back, pray send this to the Parliament!"
"Yes, mum ma'am."
(Forty minutes later) [I prefer "a long time later. This is too precise for those days. Even better, is to remove it and replace it with an ellipsis.]
She Mary arrived at the Jonelli Villa at half past one.
A servitor whom she knew, came and escorted her into the stately villa.
"Welcome, Your Grace. Pray follow me, this way." said The servitor, bowing deeply.
"No ceremony, David. No ceremony!" shrilled Mary commanded. "Where is the Duke?"
"He is in the bedchamber bed chamber, your Grace."
"Bring me to him at once. , now! now!" [These words are too strong here because your earlier sentences painted her as someone nicer and now there is a sudden change to indicate that somehow the servant had irritated her. If so you need more words to describe the change of mood.]
Hastily, the servitor ushered her up the stairs and into the bedchamber.
"Oh, John... Thank you, David... pray Leave us alone!"
"Yes By your leave, your Grace."
Forbidden Love
It was a rainy and thundery day. Mary sat by the bay window, writing a letter. She wrote uncommonly slow as she needed to consider every single word she used. By the afternoon, she had finished; after having to sit before her desk for three hours. Afterwards, she placed the letter into a pink envelope.
"Mary, where are you?" she asked. "Your Grace, I am here. How may I help you?" replied Mary, who is the most trusted servant. "Please prepare my cab. I need to be at Jonelli Villa by two," answered Mary. She handed the letter to her and says, "If I never come back, please send this to the Parliament." The servant responds, "Yes, ma'am."
As forty minutes passed, Mary arrived at Jonelli Villa at half past one. A servitor whom she knew came and escorted her into the stately villa. "Welcome, Your Grace, please follow me this way," said the servitor bowing deeply. "No ceremony, David, no ceremony!" shouted Mary. "Where is the duke?" "He is in the bedchamber, Your Grace." "Bring me to him at once." Hastily the servitor ushered her up the stairs and into the chamber. "Oh, John. Thank you David. Leave us alone!" "I will be leaving, Your Grace."
There in the bed was a many lying feebly. He looked cadaverous. However, from the features of his countenance, one still could tell that he was a handsome nobleman. "John, I am here. Can you hear me?" she whispered into his left ear. He didn't give a response. Obviously, he was near the end at such a tender young age. "Almighty God! Have mercy on me," she cried. "Mary," he uttered weakly. "John, my love are you all right?" as she began to sob uncontrollably. She pulled out a pink handkerchief, wiping away her tears. "Mary, listen to me. Do not be sad. Be brave. I shall die soon and it seems the Lord likes me very much. It will be my time soon to go and be with him," he panted. "The Lord will always watch over you and so will I. When you marry him, the marriage will certainly consolidate your position. I want you to be very safe. I will no longer be in your way." "Never! If you go to be with the Lord, then bring me along. I cannot live without you," her cries intensified. "No! No! You must not keep that idea in your mind, not even for a single second," he gently chided her. "Your duty." "Hush John. John? No! Noooooo!" she screamed. The servitor dashed into the room, speechless upon seeing his master's demise. She had lost the man she loved the most.
This is the excerpt from one of his love letters to her:
"...As you know, our marriage will never be possible. However, our love will be eternal. If you marry one day, then I will not be sad. I believe our hearts will always be together. Mary, do not let your heart rule your head. I shall never be an obstacle in your life."
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