中秋節 - Mid Autum Festival

Please correct my Chinese... :) I know it's not an exact translation from English since these two cultures are so disparate.
月到中秋分外明, Brighter still is the moon when it is in mid autumn,
漫舞歌樂高樓亭. In song, in music, unrestrained dancing in high terraced pavilions,
玉液瓊酒雖真貴, Exquisite and rare are the elixir of liquor,
不勝身邊良友情. Rarer still are the friendships beside me.
(The tones are in Cantonese)

The following ones  are my thought after reading your poem. ^ ^

It is better to interchange the positions of "歌" and "樂" to change to 漫舞樂歌. In fact, "漫舞樂歌"  consists of two phrases "漫舞" and "樂歌", which have the same morphology structures. "舞" and "歌" are nouns. "漫" and "樂" are adjectives. Look back to "漫舞樂歌", the second and the fourth words are nouns, the first and third ones are adjectives. It looks symmetrical.

There is an idiom 轻歌曼舞. May 樂 be changed to  轻? But I think it is not good enough either. Another more important thing is 轻歌漫舞 is wrong. There is not such an idiom in Mandarin. However you can see many people use 轻歌漫舞, like many native speakers use "can not" to "cannot" wrongly.  You should change 漫 to 曼. :)

漫舞歌樂高樓亭, "樓亭" sounds 生硬的. "樓台" sounds better，but it doesn't fit the tone of Cantonese. 

玉液瓊酒雖珍貴，"酒" is not poetic, better change to “浆". Also there is an idiom 琼浆玉液 in Chinese.

I like your poetry! Thank you for sharing. They lighted up my face, I could feel the flowing of poetry. I like this feeling, like tired people who come back from work fall into the sofa, like heart is melting, feel so good. Hope you will share more with us!!!

中秋節 - Mid Autum Festival

Please correct my Chinese... :) I know it's not an exact translation from English since these two cultures are so disparate.

中秋節將就快就到了，有個甜品"爬地派對"要赴。 不但每個人不但預計要帶來一些甜品（不一定是月餅），他們亦要帶一首自作的詩詞,  無論是淫是雅, 一律可以在食完甜品的稍後吟於游水泳池邊.，無論是用英語或中文來誦吟, 全部都可以接受。是啊, 這也是個游水泳“派對”， 此時的南加洲的氣侯可以容忍正適合這種活動，總言之這是我的作品, 請各位高手指點。

月到中秋分外明, Brighter still is the moon when it is in mid autumn,
漫舞歌樂高樓亭. In song, in music, unrestrained dancing in high terraced pavilions,
玉液瓊酒雖真貴, Exquisite and rare are the elixir of liquor,
不勝身邊良友情. Rarer still are the friendships beside me.

(The tones are in Cantonese)


The Mid Autumn Festival is coming soon. I have a dessert party to go. Not only everyone is expected to bring a dessert, not necessary moon cakes, all must bring a poem along for later recitation at the poolside - whether it is a dirty limerick or not, it must be of your own composition. It matters not if it’s in English or not. Yes, it is also a pool party. Southern Californian weather permits such activities at this time of the year! Anyway, here’s what I had composed,

ps. Well done, Jeff. Your Chinese is advanced. But pay attention to punctuation mark in your essay next time. For example: . (English) = 。(Chinese)

中秋節 - Mid Autum Festival

Please correct my Chinese... :) I know it's not an exact translation from English since these two cultures are so disparate.

中秋節將快就（就将快）到了. 有個甜品"爬地"party要赴. 不但每個人預計要帶來一些甜品, 不一定是月餅, 他們亦要帶一首自作的詩詞, 是淫是雅, 一律在可以食完甜品的稍後吟於游水池邊. 無論是用英語或中文來誦吟, 全部都接受. 是啊, 這也是個游水 ”爬地”. 此時的南加洲的氣侯可以容忍這種活動. 總而言之這是我的作品, 請各位高手指點,

月到中秋分外明, Brighter still is the moon when it is in mid autumn,
漫舞歌樂高樓亭. In song, in music, unrestrained dancing in high terraced pavilions,
玉液瓊酒雖真貴, Exquisite and rare are the elixir of liquor,
不勝身邊良友情. Rarer still are the friendships beside me.

(The tones are in Cantonese)


The Mid Autumn Festival is coming soon. I have a dessert party to go. Not only everyone is expected to bring a dessert, not necessary moon cakes, all must bring a poem along for later recitation at the poolside - whether it is a dirty limerick or not, it must be of your own composition. It matters not if it’s in English or not. Yes, it is also a pool party. Southern Californian weather permits such activities at this time of the year! Anyway, here’s what I had composed,

Hey Jeff, before reading the correction here are few things to metion:

* Some of my suggestion is in Taiwanese Chinese usage. i.g. 甜品/甜點, 游水池／泳池

* Some of the vocabularies were added in order to better suit the original meanings.

* To figiure out the corrected as a whole you might only read those in red. 

Here is my correction:

中秋節將快就到了至（近）.。而我即將參加一有個甜品派對要赴.。 我參加的這個派對有規定不但每個人預計最少要帶來一些一樣甜品／甜點去（不一定要月餅）,， 而且最重要的是不管作的有多糟多粗俗他我們亦都要帶一首自己作的詩詞, 是淫是雅, 一律可以在食／吃完甜品的稍後吟於在游水池／泳池畔吟誦邊.，無論是用英語或中文來誦吟, 全部都接受中英皆可. 。是啊, 這也是個游水 ”爬地”這也算是個泳池趴吧. 。因南加州此時的南加洲的氣侯可以容忍允許，這種諸如此類的活動才得以舉行. 。總而言之，這是我的作品, 請各位高手指點。

The Mid Autumn Festival is coming soon. I have a dessert party to go. Not only everyone is expected to bring a dessert, not necessary moon cakes, all must bring a poem along for later recitation at the poolside - whether it is a dirty limerick or not, it must be of your own composition. It matters not if it’s in English or not. Yes, it is also a pool party. Southern Californian weather permits such activities at this time of the year! Anyway, here’s what I had composed, 

中秋節 - Mid Autum Festival

Please correct my Chinese... :) I know it's not an exact translation from English since these two cultures are so disparate.

中秋節將快就到了（中秋节很快就要到了or中秋节快要到了or中秋节即将到来。意思差不多拉）. 有個甜品"爬地"（party，聚会？）要赴. 不但每個人預計要帶來一些甜品, 但不一定是月餅, 他們亦要帶一首自作的詩詞, 是淫是雅, 一律可以。食完甜品的稍後，吟於游水池邊. 無論是用英語或中文來誦吟, 全部都接受. 是啊, 這也是個游水 ”爬地”. 此時的南加洲的氣侯可以容忍（能够进行）這種活動. 總言之這是我的作品, 請各位高手指點,

月到中秋分外明, Brighter still is the moon when it is in mid autumn,
漫舞歌樂高樓亭. In song, in music, unrestrained dancing in high terraced pavilions,
玉液瓊酒雖真貴, Exquisite and rare are the elixir of liquor,
不勝身邊良友情. Rarer still are the friendships beside me.

(The tones are in Cantonese)


The Mid Autumn Festival is coming soon. I have a dessert party to go. Not only everyone is expected to bring a dessert, not necessary moon cakes, all must bring a poem along for later recitation at the poolside - whether it is a dirty limerick or not, it must be of your own composition. It matters not if it’s in English or not. Yes, it is also a pool party. Southern Californian weather permits such activities at this time of the year! Anyway, here’s what I had composed,

写得真好，现在有些中国人都不会写诗了（比方说我）。给你两个小建议：文中写你也去赴宴，也就是说你切身体会的，主语用“我们”可能比较好。还有，“游水池”一般叫“游泳池”（不过这是普通话，你是用粤语写的，“游水”就没错拉）。以上皆为细节，可忽略不计。PS：你喜欢古风？写的是繁体字。