一首诗... 尽管我沉默
Some difficulties altering text for meaning and grammatical tense..
And Altering the original text to better convey meaning..
我的爱不会动摇
一天一天的
像日落或日出
它来了又要走
它升向天空
然后消失在海里...
它像地平线一样下降
它是直的，不会动
在其决心
过去和未来的不变历史...
Original:
My love does not waiver
from day to day
like a sunset
or sunrise,
coming and going
rising
and
falling...
It falls
like a horizon line
Straight, and unmoving
always the same
in it’s determination
a steadfast artifact
I don’t know if is the proper usage of 它…
I’ve had to replace many concepts... a literal translation would not make much sense..
I’m having a lot of Grammatical difficulty with the tenses …like '一天一天的'
....
Search from various English teachers...
Corrections · 3
2
Hi, Allessandra
It is a great poem! Here I’ll give you some suggestions to make it even better!
我的爱不会动摇
Here 动摇 in Chinese means more of vacillate. To replace with “弃权” will fit the word waiver better.
一天一天的
In China people usually use this to give criticism verbally. For example “一天一天的就知道睡觉!” (day after day you just sleep all the time! ) So here to replace with “日复一日(day after day)” is more of written language. Or you can use “一天又一天”.
像日落或日出
它来了又要走
Here to replace with “去而复还” shows more of the love went away and will always come back like sunset or sunrise.
它升向天空
然后消失在海里...
In the original poem you didn’t mention about sea so here to say “起起落落” express more of your emotions going up and down.
它像地平线一样下降
Here to use” 下坠” sounds heavier.( The same goes with “沉静” means quiet and unmoving.)
它是直的，不会动
在其决心
过去和未来的不变历史...
This part the translation is completely correct but put in this context sounded a little strange.
My suggestion is to replace with “平直而沉静“ to show that the love goes straight forward and will not move and keep the same.
“in it’s determination” you can say “因它磐石般坚定的决心”。
So my version for you is:
我的爱不会弃权
日复一日
像日落或日出
起起落落
去而复还
像地平线一样下坠
平直而又沉静
因它磐石般
坚定的决心
Hope this would offer you some help.
1
一首诗... 尽管我沉默
Some difficulties altering text for meaning and grammatical tense..
And Altering the original text to better convey meaning..
我的爱不会动摇 Good... Better 我爱不会动摇的
一天一天的 Day by day... If you want a closer to the original, 由一天到一日/天
像日落或日出 如日出落
它来了又要走 來去
它升向天空 升沉
然后消失在海里... This is not in the original.
它像地平线一样下降 猶如地平綫淪沒
它是直的，不会动 直而不变
在其决心 一心一意
过去和未来的不变历史... 堅定不屈的東西
我爱搖动难
一天至一天
如日出落
來去升沉
猶如地平綫
直而不变
一心一意
蒼松翠柏无异
On the whole, a very good translation at your level. Mostly true to the original's intent. Good job! As you said, sometimes, a direct translation is difficult. Hope some of my suggestions help in your road to learning. My Chinese progressed is because I learn through translation, especially poetry. To do a good translation, you need to know the cultures of both the source and target languages well. There's no royal road to this, you just have to do it assiduously :)
Original:
My love does not waiver
from day to day
like a sunset
or sunrise,
coming and going
rising
and
falling...
It falls
like a horizon line
Straight, and unmoving
always the same
in it’s determination
a steadfast artifact
I don’t know if is the proper usage of 它…
I’ve had to replace many concepts... a literal translation would not make much sense..
I’m having a lot of Grammatical difficulty with the tenses …like '一天一天的'
....
1
一首诗... 尽管我沉默
Some difficulties altering text for meaning and grammatical tense..
And Altering the original text to better convey meaning..
我的爱不会动摇
像日落 似(like) 日出
它像地平线一样下降 我的爱随着远处地平线一同落下
它是直的，不会动 直柔 （frank and gentle）而 坚定 （firm）
在其决心 如艺术品坚定不移地伫立（stand）在历史的长河里
过去和未来的不变历史...
hi,it's quite difficult.I tried to translate it basic on my understanding to this. feel free to ask if it's not clear to you. ;)
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