Hey, can someone correct this?

Hello, I'm practising for my next month's ECCE exam so now I'm doing writing this. Please check it and give me some advices.

First of all, you need to be extremely careful in this.  Since this is going to be an exam, you need to write in a very formal way.  Contractions, not capitalizing proper nouns and use of inappropriate slang will cost you dearly.



Dear Editor:

Hello, I am writing this letter in order to give you to express [this is more polite and does not sound over bearing and yet firm] my opinion about on the new menu that Camps Bay High School has introduced. . As a student, I’m disagree with this school decision the school has taken so I’m gonna [this is slang! "going to"]I hope my suggestion would be taken into give you below some advices I think you may take on consideration. 

 
First, [You only suggested one thing.  Using this, your reader is expecting more to come]I think [Be more assertive.  If you are not sure, who is going to believe you.]believe that serving healthy nutritious food in the school’s cafeteria is not a bad idea but just having only healthy food on the menu only really is, because most of students and people don’t like healthy food and prefer fast food so replacing it, obviously, will drop the number of students eating at the cafeteria because they will go to another place to eat fast food give no choices and will definitely decrease patronage at the cafeteria. Something more that What should be done the school may do is to make try to make fast food make them more attractive and tastier without sacrificing the healthier aspects of the meals served.  Fast food on the other hand may be enhanced with great nutrition. There are many ways to achieve the goals of healthy eating.  A search on the internet gives plenty of recipes. , I think that’s the best way to have a big number of students eating at the cafeteria and also eating healthier. There are a lot of ways for making fast food healthier, just search on internet for recipes.
For concluding, what school is looking for is not bad, what is bad is the way it does so, I hope you give importance to my advices and take them in consideration.

Thank you for your time in listening and hopefully my suggestion is of some importance.

Sincerely, Carlos.

In writing good essays, not only should the grammar be perfect but at the same time, how well you express your ideas will boost your score.

Hey, can someone correct this?

Hello, i'm practicing for my next month's ECCE exam so now i'm doing writing, please check it and give me some advices.



Dear Editor:

Hello, I‘m (it's a contraction of "I am": "I'm") writing this letter in order to give you my opinion about the new menu that Camps Bay High School has introduced. As a student, I’m I disagree with this decision the school has taken so I’m gonna ("gonna" is not a real word) going to give you below some advices some advice below that I think you may want to take on into consideration.
First, I think healthy food in the school’s cafeteria is not a bad idea, but having only healthy food in the menu really is a problem. because Most of the students and other people on campus don’t like healthy food and prefer fast food, so replacing it obviously, (better not to break up the sentence with "obviously") will drop decrease the number of students eating at the cafeteria because they will go to another place to eat fast food.
Something more that the school may do is try to make fast food healthier. (watch out, this was a run-on sentence, and must be separated into 2.) I think that’s the best way to have a big number of students eating at the cafeteria and also eating healthier healthfully ("healthier" is an adjective, and you need an adverb here). There are a lot of ways for making fast food healthier, just search on internet for recipes.
For concluding In conclusion, what the school is looking for trying to do is not bad, what is bad is the way it does so has gone about doing it. I hope you give importance to my advices advice (no such thing as "advices") and take them in it into consideration.

Sincerely, Carlos