Diary - being isolated and depressed on lonely days. Hi guys, Days just flew away all of a sudden. The first time I logged in and shared some words on this website was a few years ago when I was a master's student in HK. And one year after that I found my first job in a small town nearby the sea, during which I still shared my life a little bit on italki. And now here I am, I have been doing that job for more than a year and recently I am suffering from job stress and loneliness. italki has seen many changes in my life. And when I am sad and depressed, I always want to write my emotions down. literacy makes all the difference inside, though nothing can be changed in the outside world. I really miss my family, especially my mother. I haven't seen her or any family member since I came back to my working city because of the pandemic. Living alone seems to be cool and free. Well, most of the time, this is true. But when the hard time comes, loneliness will overwhelm you. I have my cat living with me, but I do not like cats. The only reason I keep her is to prevent the rat problem in my kitchen. Instead, I love dogs. It is said that dogs are god's apology for creating cats. That's so true. I have a colly dog, but he lives with my father in another city now. Yes, my cat is a girl and my dog is a boy. They are like my little sister and brother, so I use 'he' and 'she' to refer to them. Yesterday, I had a nightmare. As usual, my father and I argued in my dream. But this time we had an intense conflict. He hurt me with a fruit knife. I was pretty sure he intended to stab it at my stomach, though the conflict just stopped by hurting my finger. As usual, no one helps me in the conflict. My father shouted at my grandma to close the door and go away, and she just do that silently and obediently. I can understand that because he was just like a monster when he is out of his mind. I was desperate but also grateful enough for she didn't lock the door. [word limit]

diary---1/4/2021 Today is April first, April fools day. When I was a little girl in my primary school, we used to make a joke with each other --- ‘hey, look! your shoelaces are untied!’ And if the child looks down upon his or her shoes, we would laugh and say 'APRIL FOOL' Today I also wanted to make a joke, and I thought really hard to find something I can do to be fun. But I got nothing in mind. In the end, I gave up and admitted that I am a person who has already get rid of the vulgar taste and at the same time hasn't developed a sense of quality humor. I have grown up and turned up to be a boring, realistic adult. But this may not a fair comment to me. I still love comedy and cross talk. I enjoy the sense of humor in a different way. I am on the train back home now. And I just have replied some penpals of me. Yes, I got some penpals these days! I am really excited about this, for last time I had a penpal I was a pupil and we communicated in Chinese. This time I got a German friend who is one year younger than me and also loves dogs, the snow in the winter, and the sea scenery. Ok, I will stop here because it is not so convenient to type with the laptop on the top of my lap.... haha, can I count this closing sentence as a kind of humor to celebrate April fools day? Wish everyone in the world happiness and fun.

diary --- 31/3/2021 I woke up from a nightmare this morning, immersed in a sorrowful mood. In the dream, I lost my dear grandma. I video-called her immediately on Wechat. And she was making breakfast and boiling eggs for our dog. I asked about her health condition and remind her don't forget to shut off the gas and look out for cars when crossing the street or walking in the community. She said OK and smiled, eating her breakfast. We chatted for a while and then ended the call. I can't tell her about my dream. It is not a smart thing to do to tell a senior something about death. The whole morning is blue and sad till I delivered the lesson to my students. When I was a child I can cry for such dreams and seek comfort from the adults. But I am not a child anymore and I know clearly tears are no use helping such a situation. Death is the unchangeable destination of every creature, including me and my grandma. I have always been worried about her cardiac disease and this has a lot to do with my choice of working in a colledge of medicine. I just want to know more doctors and set up more connection with doctors. After class, I came back dormitory and chatted with my roomate. She told me about her grandma, who has been past away last year at her ninetys. My grandma is only at her seventys and I believe she can live 20more years to see my children growing up. We can not decide the length of life, but I just wish I can. And what I can only do is to spent more time with her and take care of her. By this thought, I really need to buy a good apartment as soon as possible, so that my grandma can live with me if she want and she can enjoy the seaside scenery with me. I love her, very much. After all, she brought me up.

diary---30/3/21 I slept for a long time last night and this morning, from 8 pm yesterday till 9 am this morning. Showered, dressed, ate, and now I am sitting in the library again. I think today's weather is hot. These days I have been thinking and wondering about the little apartment I am going to live in. I really want to have my own apartment even though I have to bear a burden after that for about five years. I wondered about life in that apartment with my dog, harry. I will rearrange that apartment and decorate it as my preference, making it a wonderful, comfortable, and convenient home for me and harry. Each morning I will walk my dog by the seaside and evening in the park. I will play the fetching ball game with my dog, as well as frisbee catching. During the daytime, if I don't have class, I will study at home with my dog sleeping at my feet. I will stand up to strech my body and roll my neck occasionally, and my dog will definitely get excited about my sudden move and give his ball to me, staring at me hopefully and waiting for me to kick the ball. Yes, I certainly will satisfy his desire and play with him for a while. I will buy a big desk for me to study by and another long desk on the left for me to put my books and laptop on. I will have a bookshelf to collect my reference books and novels and dictionaries. And all that furniture will be put in a corner of my room, which is the study corner or my mini-study, with bright and eye-protecting light. I will plant some flowers and potted plants on the windowsill. By the way, the shan-wu-gui (a kind of herb which looks like a round turtle on the ground with green vines and leaves) which I planted about four weeks ago finally sprouted yesterday and keep growing. So I guess by the day I move into the new apartment, I can twine its vines on the windowsill's guardrail and let it keep growing there.

diary---29/3/2021 The temperature is climbing little by little and day by day. Today I just wear a shirtdress sitting in the library by the window, from where I can easily enjoy the beauty of green leaves swinging slightly over high trees and the soothing sunlight passing through the thick leaves, glittering, and gild them. I can hear the sound of cars and the voice of chatting, the birdsong in the wind. THIS IS SUMMER, I thought. I had a class early in the morning, and it is a great one. My teaching design of 'debate' did help students to think critically and express themselves in a more logical way. So after this successful class, I was really happy, excited, and satisfied. I went for a walk after lunch at the seaside, and practice my harmonica for a while. You can only play harmonica by the seaside in the daytime, not at night, for last night I did so and was warmly welcomed by hundreds of mosquitos. Anyway, I enjoyed the charming tune of the harmonica and the melody of 'Spirited Away', 'me and my country', 'jasmine flower', 'The Butterfly Lovers', and 'Oh, Susanna', and so did the passengers. While I was playing the harmonica, I saw a little child passed by staring at me and I replied with a wink. I just don't want to give myself too much pressure to earn money to write papers and to work hard. I mean, I just do what needs to do and I do those tasks by heart. After that, I will spend my time searching for interesting knowledge and study by my own pace and enjoy my leisure time. This is the first time I try to write some lyrical sentences in my diary, and I guess this is just because I am really in a good mood today and I read another book by Sarah Waters, Tipping the velvet. I have become a big fan of Sarah Waters since I finished reading the book Fingersmith. So much for today's diary. I want to talk about Sarah Waters more next time.