IELTS

In modern times, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. There are good things and bad things about this situation.

One advantage is that there are hard workers in a country where there are younger adults more than older people. If there are many young people in a company, the company could be very efficient and improve the economy of the country. In this case, the country grows up to economics, workforce and business. Because we can say, if there are more younger adults than older people, the country and its population could become richer.  Moreover, while they are younger, they could generate new ideas to improve their companies and countries. If they have new ideas that are successful, it could affect the politics, economics, business and management in a country.

There are disadvantages as well as advantages.  For example, there are few leaders in a country if there are more younger adults than older people in the country. If there are few leaders, it takes more time to teach how to do business and management when work economics themselves. Because they have to make new business, management and somethings.

Overall, comparing these advantages and disadvantages that I described, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
These advantages can overcome the disadvantages to create a good country. That’s why I think it is better that there are more younger people than older people in some countries.

よくできました。色々な文法の問題がありますのに、テーマと大切な思想がはっきり言われると思います。一度だけ作家の言いたい意味が分かりにくいです。この場合に文をオレンジにしました。
小さいことですが、特にその「moreover」とか「 That’s why I think It is better that 」は上手に使いましたよ。本当に感心しました。直しについての質問があると聞いてください。しかし僕は日本語で説明できるか分からなくてすみません。