the writing part of toefl

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
following sentence is my answer

Recently, there are many young adults that prefer to live with their families. They can support each other by money and so on. Maybe it’s a real shape of the family. However, I agree young adults should be independence from their parents as soon as possible. I make this argument from following three perspective; they can spend much time what want to do, they can have faculty to live by themselves, and they can conceive importance of their families.

First, young adults can spend much time what they want to do. For example, I have lived by myself for four years. When I lived with my family, my parents was so strict and pressed me to study. So, I didn’t have much time to do other things. But now, I can do want I want to do, playing the piano and playing tennis etc. it make my life more abundant.

Second, they can become to live by themselves. Young adults who live with their families don’t need to do house work, like cleaning up room, cooking dinner. In other words, young adults who live by themselves need to do such a thing. Thought such a thing, they have ability to live by their hands anywhere. Actually, I lived in Sendai, which is very far from my hometown.
And I could live by myself through experience.

Third, they can conceive importance of their families. For instance, when I lived with my family, I couldn’t find importance of my parent’s support and help. However, when I was independence from my parent, I could feel importance of my parent. Therefore, I can appreciate for my parents and think highly of my parents.

That’s why I argue that young adults should be independence from their parents as soon as possible.