please, somebody can check my essay. and how to be more formal?

please, somebody can check my essay. and how to be more formal?

I want to use more linking work, phrasal verbs and passive voice, can you help me?

The use of animals to benefit or entertain people should be illegal in the world, however if the animal does not suffer, this wouldn't  be a issue. I agree with this statement due to the following:

For many years people and animals have been together, in many cases an animal is the best friend of man. Nevertheless, other people have been used animals to have some type of benefit, for example, throughout the world many circuses have been traveling to different cities or countries preforming shows with animals.  Almost all circuses use wild animals for the main event and this is a big problem because the people enjoy to seeing them, but they don't know that the animals are suffering because these animals are in a cell and they aren't in their natural habit.

Also, the circuses have to pay expensive amounts to  buy the exotic animals.  This is a important factor, because people want to earn this great amount of money and they are moving to the animal's home to catch them and sell them. On the other hand, there are competitions that have as their goal to hunt and kill animals, for many people this is a interesting sport such as duck hunting competitions which the winner is the one who kills the most ducks.

Finally, we can find people that have things made with animals parts.   A clear example is the rhino's killer, these kind of people enjoy killing rhinos and cutting parts off their body. Other people have made tools with animal skins or teeth.

To conclude, all these activities should be illegal in the world, however there are many countries that have laws about this issue, they are resolving the problem thanks the governments. Nowadays, people don't enjoy animal shows, actually the circuses have changed these type of shows and forms of recreation.  People also have more awareness and prefer not to buy things made with animals. Finally, there are many organizations against the use of animals for people's benefit, with the helped of the government and the laws about killing and transportation of animals out their habit.