Being the daughter of a schizophrene

My father is schizophrene and sometimes his illness worsens and then we have to bring him to a mental hospital. He stays there till he becomes stable. I am always ashamed of his illness. And I was always scared of losing him. He is my father whether he is normal or not. I have never got the feeling that I have a strong father behind me. He was absent, he wasn't with us. I often hated him. I sometimes prayed for his death, then I felt guilty. He leaves me helpless. He becomes aggressive when he is ill. And even when he is normal he is not completely normal. And he stays in hospital every two years. Being a daughter of a schizophrene, I am a scared and introvert person. My friends don't know the situation. I don't tell them because I feel ashamed. A few minutes ago, I called the hospital because I couldn't visit him today. And the nurse told me that he was fighting with other people and she also added that he is not well at the moment. I wanted to talk to him and she agreed. He came to the phone and I asked "How are you?" He answered "I am fine." But he could hardly speak because of the drugs. I told him not to quarrel with others, and he told me that he doesn't need my advice. I felt deeply sorry for him and for my family. I am trying to find something to enjoy myself, but it is not easy. I wonder how long I can endure this. He is getting older and I am very hopeless about our future. I cry most of the times and I just pray God, but I know I can't have a healthy father no matter how much I pray. I wish I had a great father, a hero, a model and a father I could admire...