It's not essential to learn to play a musical instrument

Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.

Admittedly, music does play a big role in our lives. It helps us to relax, and brings us a lot of pleasure. It is really beneficial for our mental health. However, I don't think it's essential to learn to play a musical instrument for everybody. First of all, deciding (1)whether to learn to play musical instruments or not, it(2) depends on (3)one's interest. Nearly all the(8) people like to(4) enjoy music, but not everyone would like to learn how to make it (5). Besides, learning to play a musical instrument really takes(6) a long time and a lot of practice. It is a kind of boring sometimes, since (7) you have to repeat the same thing again and again.

(1) this makes the whole clause function as the noun for the verb "depends" so the sentence structure is smooth and clear- Subject + verb + object. You can also use "the decision" but "deciding" (gerund form) sounds better. 

(2) The verb "depend" already has a subject (the noun clause that comes before "it") so you cannot use an additional pronoun.  Just like I can't say: My mom, she is a good cook.  I should just say, "My mom is a good cook"

(3) depend on is a phrasal verb

(4) If we like something then we already enjoy it.  We can't "like to enjoy." 

(5) You cannot use it in place of music because "learn music" is not correct.  We "study music" or "learn to make music" or "learn to play music on an instrument."  To be sure you can use "it" in a situation, try to replace "it" with the noun it is taking the place of and see if it still makes sense.

(6) to talk about time duration we can say use "takes time."  We can also use "requires."  Although need and require are similar, they are not exactly the same.  In this case you are talking about a requirement to achieve a goal successfully, not a need. 

(7) you need a conjunction to connect the two sentences.  "You' is a new subject of a new sentence, so it can't connect to the previous sentence without a conjunction (linking word), such as "since."

(8) This one slipped by me the first time.  "the people" with the definite article "the" means you are talking about certain specific people you already mentioned.  You want to say all people in general, so you should not use "the."

Good job.  To complete the answer, you should add a concluding sentence.  Also, if you want your answer to stand freely without the question, you should start with an introduction sentence that is similar to the question.  You can just start with "Is learning to play a musical instrument essential for everyone's life?" 

Cheers, 

Elizabeth