Can you help me correct my translation of the TV public service advertising ?
My subtitle group received the task of a translation about a piece of TV public service advertising. It is about the aid of kids alone in countryside, whose parents have worked in the city to make more money to support their family leaving kids alone in poor countrysides.And it is a common case in China. My task is to translate the first part, please help me correct them with the idea that it will be used as subtitles：

我的家在好多大山的里面
My home is among many mountains
我的家里有座小房子、有棵大枣树、还有会唱歌的小鸟
There are a small house, a big date tree and singing birds in my home
房子里住着我，妈妈，爸爸，爷爷，还有奶奶。
And there are my mother, father, grandmother, grandmother and me in my house.
几年前妈妈生了重病，后来妈妈去了很远的地方，爸爸说是在彩虹的另一端，等我长大了她就会回来看我的。
My mother was very sick several years ago, then she went far away, and dad said she was at the other end of the rainbow and would be back to see me when I grew up.
后来，我才知道我再也见不到妈妈了
Then, I knew I would not be able to see my mom again.
我慢慢长大了，爸爸对我说，他要到山的外面去挣很多很多的钱，给我买玩具和新衣服，供我读书。但是我舍不得爸爸。爸爸不要离开我们。
Slowly I grew up, and father said to me, he would go outside the mountain and make lots of money, buy me toys and new clothes, and send me to school. But I don’t want to part with my father. Father, don’t leave us alone.
我哭了，爸爸也哭了
I cried, so did my father
可是最后，爸爸还是走了
But my father went at last.

奶奶告诉我说，一辆长长的绿色火车带爸爸到山外面的城市工作去了
My grandmother told me, a very long green train had took father to work in the city outside the mountains.

附近还有好多和我一样的小朋友，他们的爸爸妈妈都坐上讨厌的绿车离开了大山。
Many kids around me are in the same case, their fathers and mothers

我盼望爸爸早点回来，我好久没有见到爸爸了
I hope my father will go home soon, because I haven’t seen my father for a long time.

Unfinished: 附近还有好多和我一样的小朋友，他们的爸爸妈妈都坐上讨厌的绿车离开了大山。
Many kids around me are in the same case, their fathers and mothers has gone outsides of the big mountains by the green train we hate.

Question

Can you help me correct my translation of the TV  public service advertising ?
My subtitle group received the task of  a translation about a piece of TV public service advertising. It is about the aid of kids alone in countryside, whose parents have worked in the city to make more money to support their family leaving kids alone in poor countrysides.And it is a common case in China. My task is to translate the first part, please help me correct them with the idea that  it will be used as subtitles：


我的家在好多大山的里面
My home is among many mountains
我的家里有座小房子、有棵大枣树、还有会唱歌的小鸟
There are a small house, a big date tree and singing birds in my home
房子里住着我，妈妈，爸爸，爷爷，还有奶奶。
And there are my mother, father, grandmother, grandmother and me in my house.
几年前妈妈生了重病，后来妈妈去了很远的地方，爸爸说是在彩虹的另一端，等我长大了她就会回来看我的。
My mother was very sick several years ago, then she went far away, and dad said she was at the other end of the rainbow and would be back to see me when I grew up.
后来，我才知道我再也见不到妈妈了 
Then, I knew I would not be able to see my mom again.
我慢慢长大了，爸爸对我说，他要到山的外面去挣很多很多的钱，给我买玩具和新衣服，供我读书。但是我舍不得爸爸。爸爸不要离开我们。
Slowly I grew up, and father said to me, he would go outside the mountain and make lots of money, buy me toys and new clothes, and send me to school. But I don’t want to part with my father. Father, don’t leave us alone.  
我哭了，爸爸也哭了
I cried, so did my father
可是最后，爸爸还是走了
But my father went at last.

奶奶告诉我说，一辆长长的绿色火车带爸爸到山外面的城市工作去了
My grandmother told me, a very long green train had took father to work in the city outside the mountains.

附近还有好多和我一样的小朋友，他们的爸爸妈妈都坐上讨厌的绿车离开了大山。
Many kids around me are in the same case, their fathers and mothers

我盼望爸爸早点回来，我好久没有见到爸爸了
I hope my father will go home soon, because I haven’t seen my father for a long time.

Unfinished: 附近还有好多和我一样的小朋友，他们的爸爸妈妈都坐上讨厌的绿车离开了大山。 
Many kids around me are in the same case, their fathers and mothers has gone outsides of the big mountains by the green train we hate.

Answer

Here is my version.

我的家在好多大山的里面
Mt home lies in the high mountains

我的家里有座小房子、有棵大枣树、还有会唱歌的小鸟
It consists of two small buildings, a large date palm and many chirping birds.

房子里住着我，妈妈，爸爸，爷爷，还有奶奶。
I lived there with my parents and my grandparents.

几年前妈妈生了重病，后来妈妈去了很远的地方，爸爸说是在彩虹的另一端，等我长大了她就会回来看我的。
Several years ago my mother became seriously ill and later went far away, to the end of the rainbow, according to Father, but she would return to see me after I was grown.

后来，我才知道我再也见不到妈妈了 
Later, I realized that I would never see Mother again

我慢慢长大了，爸爸对我说，他要到山的外面去挣很多很多的钱，给我买玩具和新衣服，供我读书。但是我舍不得爸爸。爸爸不要离开我们。
One day while I was growing up my father said that he would have to leave the mountains to earn money, a lot of money, to buy toys, new clothes for me and to send me to school. But I didn’t want to lose Father, and Father didn’t want to leave us.

我哭了，爸爸也哭了
Father and I both cried.

可是最后，爸爸还是走了
Nevertheless, in the end Father had to leave.

奶奶告诉我说，一辆长长的绿色火车带爸爸到山外面的城市工作去了
Grandmother told me that a long, long green train had taken Papa to a city beyond the mountains to work.

附近还有好多和我一样的小朋友，他们的爸爸妈妈都坐上讨厌的绿车离开了大山。
In the area where I live there are many small children whose parents had left the mountains on that loathsome train, just like mine did.

我盼望爸爸早点回来，我好久没有见到爸爸了
I hope my dad will come back soon.  I have not seen him in a long time.

爸爸 is translated as father, dad, or papa, depending on generation of the writer.  I have always uses father and mother.  Younger generations use mom and dad.  Older generations often used papa and mama?

Answer

我的家在好多大山的里面 
My home is deep in the mountains.
我的家里有座小房子、有棵大枣树、还有会唱歌的小鸟 
I have a small house, with a big date tree and song birds.
房子里住着我，妈妈，爸爸，爷爷，还有奶奶。 
My mother, father, grandfather, grandmother and I all live in my (or:the) house. 
    alternatively
My mother, father, grandfather, grandmother and I all live there.

Answers · 4

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