Can you give me some suggestions to the paragraph I've written?
Maybe some of the language I've used is not proper or vague. Can you help me make it much clearer?

I met the boss, a very seasoned and astute Wen Zhou business man. From my conversation with him, I realized that his real target was to gain profits from my team directly, by-passing the girls. He also promised to take 20% less commission from us than I’ve offered to the girls. Thus, both my team and the boss himself would earn more money for the selling of each phone, but the girls would get nothing. It seemed a great opportunity for me. If I agreed, it meant more profit, but it also meant betraying the girls. So the vital question is not whether or not it is a smart business decision, the important question is: money or integrity? Actually, the idea came from the girls, so I have no right to grasp it for myself. I refused the boss without hesitation.

Question

Can you give me some suggestions to the paragraph I've written?
Maybe some of the language I've used is not proper or vague. Can you help me make it much clearer?

I met the boss, a very seasoned and astute Wen Zhou business man. From my conversation with him, I realized that his real target was to gain profits from my team directly, by-passing the girls. He also promised to take 20% less commission from us than I’ve offered to the girls. Thus, both my team and the boss himself would earn more money for the selling of each phone, but the girls would get nothing. It seemed a great opportunity for me. If I agreed, it meant more profit, but it also meant betraying the girls. So the vital question is not whether or not it is a smart business decision, the important question is: money or integrity? Actually, the idea came from the girls, so I have no right to grasp it for myself.  I refused the boss without hesitation.

Answer

by-passing the girls >> by bypassing the girls
is not whether .. >> was not whether
it is a smart business decision >> it was a smart business decision
the important question is >> the important question was
to grasp it for myself >> to gain it for myself

That was great! Barely any errors, except for tenses. :)

Answers · 2

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