I will really appreciate if somone could give correction to my writing.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs,
believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers
see no benefit in doing so.
Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion!
Answer:
Many employers are always searching various types of methods to develop employees’ productivity such as subsidising the employees with healthy pursuits, believing that it might be one way to achieve it. However, there exists an opposing argument against the first view that will be discussed here.
On the one hand, it’s commonly believed among employers that if the employees are avoided from being stressful at work, they will possibly have more efficient ways in dealing with the tasks given. Furthermore, the life balance of the employees and their leisure time are more fulfilling. It could also be a driven factor than paying increment or bonuses such as perks, incentives and etc. which are difficult to attain. Finally, being healthier my lead to be more efficient and even more creative to complete the assignments instructed by the company.
On the other hand, the obstacle of the leisure-based subsidies lacks when it comes to measurability since its efficiency is impossible to be assessed. To illustrate, with the target related-payments, the employers can at least see the progress whether the employees can achieve it or not. It is also assumed that if the budget was allocated to pay (for instance) the job training or day release program, the employees would advance their career progression to higher level than before. These matters are all easier to measure, especially in performance evaluation and appraisals. This option is even more motivating for the employees to push and maximise their potential to attain the reward after completing the target.
To sum up, it seems that while health related subsidies plays a pivotal role, the lack of measurability is substantial drawback. Spending budget on job training would appear to function effectively for the company.
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Corrections · 4
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I will really appreciate if somone could give correction to my writing.
IELTS Writing Task 2Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs,
believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers
see no benefit in doing so.
Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion!
Answer:
Many employers are always searching for various types of methods to develop employees’ productivity such as subsidizing the employees with healthy pursuits, believing that it might be one way to achieve it their goal (you are not incorrect here, but it sounds more educated with this wording). However, there exists an opposing argument against the first view this view that will be discussed here.
On the one hand, it’s commonly believed among employers that if the employees are avoided from being stressful avoid stress at work, they will possibly have more efficient ways of dealing with the tasks given. Furthermore, the life balance of the employees and their leisure time are more fulfilling. Paying increments or bonuses such as perks and incentives could also be a driving factor, which is difficult to attain. Finally, being healthier may lead to be more efficient work and even more creativity to completing the assignments instructed by the company.
On the other hand, the obstacle of the leisure-based subsidies lacks when it comes to measurability since its efficiency is impossible to assess. To illustrate, with the target related-payments, the employers can at least see the progress whether the employees can achieve it or not. It is also assumed that if the budget was allocated to pay (for instance) , the job training, or day release program, the employees would advance their career progression to a higher level than before (this is implied already). These matters are all easier to measure, especially in performance evaluation and appraisals. This option is even more motivating for the employees to push and maximize their potential to attain the reward after completing the target.
To sum it all up ("in conclusion" would be a better phrase), it seems that while health-related subsidies play a pivotal role, the lack of measurability is a substantial drawback. Spending budget on job training would appear to function effectively for the company.
NOTE: You did a good job!
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Terecia,
Thanks a lot.
0
Good writing. Perhaps, you could divide it into two parts, so that the English speakers would give correction with ease.
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