30-Day Writing Challenge - Day 6: "My grandfather's heaven"

One day, her family received a letter that said her grandfather was very ill. Her father could not cancel his business trip while her mother could not stop her clothes trade. Only she wished to come to visit her grandfather. At the end, she came back her hometown with her neighbour, a kind hearted old man. On the way back, she told her neighbour about all her memories of her grandfather.

One by one, the memories were shown on the TV. From when they went fishing together, to buying rice wine from a neighbour in the village, a graceful and clever woman as yet unmarried. The rice wine seller had a tumor on her back that made people look down on her and the men in that village pay her no attention. Another time, the little girl's father came to his hometown and he was mad at his father and the rice wine seller because he misunderstood their relationship. Since then, the wine seller was abused by false rumours. He did not know that while he left his father alone with his money or new clothes, the rice wine seller always took care of his ill father. She respected him as her father.

All the stories were shown by an innocent girl and went along with her questions about adults' behaviour. Then her old companion explained each answer in the easiest way. The story ends up in a lunch time scene where everybody including the little girl, her grandfather, old neighbour and the rice wine seller hears that the rumours are false. They talk and laugh together. Then they suddenly realize that the very simple life of the grandfather was like a heaven. A life where he hardly needed money and...

Very well written! Please break up your writing by paragraphs and sentences more. A new idea - a new sentence. A big new idea(s)/ a new scene - a new paragraph.

30-Day Writing Challenge - Day 6: "My Grandfather's Heaven"

Then her neighbour, the kindly old man, explained each answer in the simplest way so that she was sure to understand. The story ended with a lunchtime scene where everybody, including the little girl, her grandfather, the old neighbor/traveling companion, and the rice wine merchant all realize that the rumours had been false, and they then all talked and laughed together. Then, they suddenly understood that the very simplistic life of the grandfather was very much like being in heaven for it was a carefree life where he hardly needed money and other worldly goods.

Hi Tuyet. Good job! Whatever changes that I’ve made were merely done to allow your sentences to sound more natural to my native ears, to clarify your ideas, and to allow your story to “flow.” I hope that this helps you. J.

“came back” vs. “went back” – The use of these words depends on your orientation, whether you go toward or away from your position or base. For example, my home is my base and I leave it to go to work. So, when I speak, that is my orientation. If I left work early, and my boss asked me about it the next day, I would say, “I went back home because I was feeling sick.” (I am not at home then, but left it and returned…) Similarly, I would tell my wife that “I came back home early because I wasn’t feeling well.” (I had left home, but am now back…) Apologies, I know that it is a bit confusing, and my examples probably do not help much, but with practice, you’ll understand.

“tumor” vs. “tumour” – All of your other spellings (neighbour, rumour, behaviour, etc.) follow British spelling, so to maintain continuity, you should do so with this word as well.

"kind hearted" vs "kindhearted" -- This should be one word, not two nor hyphenated.

“lunch time” vs. “lunchtime” – This should be one word, not two.

“…” – the use of ellipsis marks indicate that something, such as dialogue, is left out. I did not see where the end of your story required it, so that is why I gave it a different ending.

Part II of II

30-Day Writing Challenge - Day 6: "My Grandfather's Heaven"

This evening, my parents and I watched a film called Grandfather's Heaven. The film was narrated by a little girl who went back to her hometown every summer vacation. She and her family now lived in the city while her grandfather remained and lived alone in her hometown. One day, her family received a letter that said her grandfather was very ill. Unfortunately, her father, her grandfather’s son, could not cancel his business trip, while her mother could not close her clothing business either. Only the little girl was free to go to visit her grandfather.

Thus, in the end, only she went back her hometown along with her neighbour, a kindhearted old man. On the way there, she shared with him all of the memories she had of her grandfather, and one by one, the memories were then shown within the film. From the time when they had went fishing together, to the time they were buying rice wine from a neighbor—a graceful and clever woman, as yet unmarried-- in the village. This woman, the local rice wine merchant, had a tumour on her back that made people look down on her and which caused the men in that village to pay her no attention.

Another memory was about the time the little girl's father returned to his hometown and had become mad at his father and the rice wine merchant because he misunderstood their relationship. Since then, the wine merchant had been shadowed by, and was the victim of, false rumours. Her father did not know that after his visits, when he gave his father some money or new clothes, his father was then often alone, and it was the caring rice wine merchant that then always visited and took care of him. She respected his father as if he were her own. All the stories were shown through the eyes of an innocent girl and illustrated her questions about adult behaviour.

Part I of II