Corrections · 4
Essay #284 "Criminalization" 29.10.18
Over recent decades, the crime rates have only gone up, as has the criminalization of (our/the) population. Many people are concerned about this situation and they should be, as this affects our society in a highly negative way. There is not any panacea for this, however there is a certain way that the government can make this problem less severe.First of all, we have to determine main reasons behind this. One of the most influential is social environment. People who live in a criminalized atmosphere are shaped by it and in many cases end up being criminals. Also, upbringing and education play a very important role in this. Parental neglect and lack of attention only make this situation worse as this only raises the chances for children to adopt negative behavioral traits. These two are basically the main causes of the criminalization of our population and in order to solve the problem of the increase of crime rates we have to solve these issues.
One of the most beneficial and effective measures would be the government introduction of new initiatives designed to help the most effected communities. It will not only create additional attention to this areas, but also provide people, who want to change their lives, an opportunity to do so. Also, some serious changes should be applied to the (our) judicial system as often people who go to jail for minor crimes come out fully criminalized and cannot return to their previous lives. This system should concentrate more on correction rather than on punishment.
To conclude, the rise in crime rate is a serious problem for our society and the government should put all of their effort into solving this. It is not an easy task and this cannot be solved in one step; it is a meticulous process which takes time. However, only by doing so will it be possible to create a society that will be safe, crime free and in which people will be able to choose their own future.
Overall, this is very good! I tried to focus mostly on grammar issues. Besides the first sentence in the 3rd paragraph, which was a little confusing, everything is easily understood in English. Everything else was just simple article mistakes. Commas after also if you start a sentence with it.
I have a feeling this is for an actual essay in a class, so there are some more advanced suggestions I might make. NOTE: these suggestions are about writing better essays, if this is for a presentation some of these will be irrelevant. These are to bring your writing from high school-level native English speaker to college level, these are similar to the corrections I would make if I were correcting a high schoolers essay. First, there are instances here where you could use "the" or "our", I would need more context to know if "our" is applicable but if you can use it you should. "Our" is a very powerful word in essays (and in speeches). Second, the vocabulary in many of these sentences can be upgraded. Changes -> Reform, solving -> addressing, correction -> rehabilitation, applied -> implemented. They're more accurate and sound more professional. Third, some sentences could be cleaner. The last sentence in the intro should be plural as in "there are certain ways" since you recommend multiple solutions in the rest of the essay. Second sentence third paragraph could be rewritten as " an opportunity to change their lives" to get rid of the awkward commas (The commas sounds great in a presentation, but are confusing on paper). Some of your "also" sentences might be cleaner without, for example third paragraph third sentence might sound better if it started with "Serious reform must be implemented in our judicial system..."
Overall a very strong essay from a very cute Russian :D Good job!
Essay #284 "Criminalization" 29.10.18
Over recent decades the level of crime rates only goes up and overall criminalization of population increases. Many people are concerned about this situation and they should be, as this affects our society in a highly negative way. There is not any panacea for this, however there is a certain way for the government to make this problem less severe.First of all, we have to determine the main reasons (why this is happening/behind this). One of the most influential (reasons? or some other noun) is the social environment. People who live in a criminalized atmosphere just shaped by it (it=crime?), and in many cases end up being criminals. Also the upbringing and education play a very important role in this. Parental neglecting and the lack of attention only make this situation worse as this only raises chances for children to adopt negative behavioral traits. These two are basically the main causes of the criminalization of population and in order to solve the problem of the increase of crime rates we have to solve these issues.
One of the most beneficial and effective measures would be the governmental introduction of new initiatives which helped communities in the most criminalized areas. It will not only draw additional attention to these areas, but also provide people, who want to change their lives, with an opportunity to do that. Also some serious changes should be applied to the judicial system as often people who get in jail for minor crimes get out fully criminalized and cannot return to their previous lives. This system should concentrate more on correction rather than on punishment.
To conclude, the rise of crime rates is a serious problem for our society and the government should put all its effort into solving this. It is not an easy task and this cannot be solved in one step; it is a meticulous process which takes time. However, only by doing so will it be possible to create society that will be safe, crime free and in which people will be able to chose their own future.
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I know, articles are impossible! However, the expressions you use are great!
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