Corrections · 2
Should a Competitive School Environment Be Encouraged? [Titles should be as short as possible yet still give the subject or purpose of the full text. And follow proper title capitalization: all main titles should have their first, last, and all important words capitalized.]
A competitive environment in school and university would bring excellence and need to be encouraged. To what extent do you agree or disagree?There has been a heated debate on whether a competitive environment in schools and universities would bring excellence and need to be encouraged. Although some believe that competition would help students with their academic achievement, I am convinced that bringing severe competition may not be a good idea for students.
Firstly, I do admit that schools and universities are places where students learn knowledge before they step into the crucial business world. A competitive environment would be encountered sooner or later, so it would be beneficial for students to adopt this environment at a relatively early age. Also, a more competitive environment challenges students to work harder in their studies in order to discover their hidden talent or achieve greater academic success.
However, there are numerous reasons why schools and universities should not be extremely competitive places, for example, schools should also be places* for students to make friends and help with each other instead of seeing each other like enemies. In addition to this, a competitive environment may stop some students from going to school or even learning.** According to a recent research***, 15% of the students who study in a very competitive environment may suffer a wide range of mental health problems including anxiety and insomnia. Not only students' physical health but also mental health should be taken into consideration when making schools into competitive places.
In conclusion, I think schools and universities should not make the environment a very competitive place for students, schools should not only be a place for students to learn knowledge but also a place for them to make friends and stay healthy physically and mentally.
[* Schools and universities are places, not a single place. You could use the singular form if you wrote: "a school or university should not be an extremely competitive place."
** This sentence is very long, so I divided it up into two sentences. There is no exact rule for when a sentence becomes too long, but these are called "run-on" sentences. The longer a sentence is, the more clauses it has and the more difficult it is to understand.
*** The English commonly written in China treats "research" as a countable noun, but in the rest of the word the use here is uncountable and this sentence would start: According to a recent research article/paper/publication ...]
Whether a competitive environment in school(s) would bring (academic) excellence and needs to be/should be encouraged?
A competitive environment in school and university would bring excellence and needs to be encouraged. To what extent do you agree or disagree?There has been a heated debate on whether a competitive environment in schools and universities would bring excellence and needs to be encouraged. ("competitive environments need to be encouraged" "a competitive environment needs to be encouraged" or "should be encouraged") Although some believe that competition would help students with their academic achievement, I am convinced that bringing/encouraging severe competition may not be a good idea for students.("their academic achievements" might be better... or "would help students achieve more academically, ")
Firstly, I do admit that schools and universities are places where students learn knowledge before they step into the crucial business world. ("crucial" to what? "When building a multi-story building, it is crucial that the foundation be strong enough to support the weight of the upper levels." "Reinforcing load-bearing columns is crucial to maintaining the building's structural integrity.") A competitive environment would/will be encountered sooner or later, so it would be beneficial for students to adopt this environment at a relatively early age. ("adapt to this/such an environment" would be better. "adopt a competitive attitude" for instance would be something that the students would pick up and practice. "will" is better than "would" here.) Also, a more competitive environment challenges students to work harder in their studies in order to discover their hidden talent(s) or achieve greater academic success.
However, there are numerous reasons why schools and universities should not be an extremely competitive place; for example, schools should also be a place for students to make friends and help with each other instead of seeing each other like/as enemies. ("I am helping my mother with the dishes." New sentence) In addition to this, a competitive environment may stop some students from going to school or even learning. According to a recent research, 15% of the students who study in a very competitive environment may suffer a wide range of mental health problems including anxiety and insomnia. ("According to research," "According to a recent research study") Not only students' physical health but also mental health should be taken into consideration when making schools into a competitive place.
In conclusion, I think schools and universities should not make the environment a very competitive place for students: schools should not only be a place for students to learn knowledge but also a place for them to make friends and stay healthy physically and mentally.("learn knowledge" can just be "learn")
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