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China flaglesliesun
Every night I empty my heart Every night I empty my heart But my morning its full again Slowly droplets of u seep in thought she night's soft caress At dawn I overflow with thought of us And aching pleasure that gives me no respite Love cannot be contained The neat pack aging of desire splits asunder Spilling crimson thought my days Long langushing Days that are now bruised tender with yearing Spent searching for a fingerprint A scent , abreath you left behind

Corrections · 7

0

Every night I empty my heart

Every night I empty my heart

But my in the morning its full again1

Slowly droplets of u you seep in thought she night's soft caress

In night's soft caresses, thoughts of you slowly seep into me.


At By dawn I am overflowth with thought of us

And An aching pleasure that gives me of no respite

Love cannot be contained

The neat pack aging of desire splits asunder 2

Spilling crimson thoughts 2 into my days

Too long I have Long langushing languish

Days that are now bruised with tender with yearing

Spent searching for a fingerprint a trace,

A scent  or  a breath you left behind.

Good imagery.

1.  I am just correcting your grammar.  However, if I were to correct the style, I would write something like the following to match it, "But mornings filled it back."

2.  This makes no sense in English.  I cannot decipher your thoughts.  Write in Chinese for an accurate correction.

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Every night I empty my heart

Every night I empty my heart
But by morning it's full again
Droplets of you seep into my thoughts 
Under night's soft caress
At dawn I am overflowing with thoughts of us 
An aching pleasure that gives me no respite 
Love cannot be contained 
The neat packaging of desire splits asunder 
Spills crimson thought into my days 
Long languishing 
Days spent searching for a fingerprint 
A scent, a breath you left behind 

 

I took out this line because it didn't really add much imagery for me. Also, it gives your poem 12 lines, which is a great length for a poem =)

I'm impressed by this poem. Your wording is very advanced and powerful. Great job =)



 



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