（My terminal English examination passage)(E-mail)

There are varied ways to correct your letter. Here is another version you could use.

“Please accept this invitation to our school’s first New Year photography exhibition, held on Jan. 4 – 8^th. It’ll be exhibited in the 3^rd floor display hall of the Art Center. There’ll be more than 200 photographic works by teachers and students. I know how much you enjoy photography – hope you enjoy this!”

I rearranged some sentences to be more direct in your invitation. Some words are changed to reflect what is commonly spoken.

（My terminal English examination passage)(E-mail)

Hello Bai,

You have included all of the details in your email which is good. I think that you ought to start your email with the reason for writing.

Dear James,

I am writing to invite you to the New Year photography exhibition this year. I know that you are a really keen photographer and I would like you to come with me to share your thoughts on the photographs.

Next give the details of where and when and then finish off with an ending like. 'I hope you are able to come with me as I think you will find it very enjoyable.

Please remember that there are no spaces in front of full stops and commas but there must be a space after them!

Hope this helps

Bob