Hi buddy,

I've gone through your essay, and today I will be a little harsher than usual. Your command of English is quite good, so I have focused on your content today instead. I think no other teacher who corrected your essays would tell you where to improve in such detail...

1) A lot of your essays are quite good with the command of English. However, the content is usually the weakest link. Any examiner would want to see a logical flow of arguments, so that they can be sure you are not just writing lots of sentences. They want to see your ability to digest English as well- this is an important skill that is often neglected. 

2) The points in yellow, is my corrections for some words- they help with the flow of the sentences. The green lines are my additions, to help strengthen the essay a bit. The red ones are the important things I want you to remember. 

3) The gist of your essay is good, but they tend to be loosely dependent on one point of argument, which makes the essay a bit weak. Any "compare and contrast" essay requires you to strongly talk about either one point, or contrast one good point with one bad point. There is not enough here, and it may feel as if you are standing on one foot. Knock away that foot, and the whole essay comes crashing down. Take for example the 3rd paragraph: If children get information too easily from TV, then it logically follows they become less creative and fail in their future careers. Obviously, this cannot be true- I know you are trying to simplify the argument, but try another approach (for example: the jobs of the future will require a lot of thinking and creative solving, not just people doing routine jobs. Being less creative will mean less job opportunities in the future for these people). 

Hope I didn't make it too hard on you. I like to see you improve your argument skills- if you can provide a good logical flow in your essays, I think you don't have to worry too much about grammatical errors. The content alone will win over any examiner!

It is true that watching TV for children as a learning/study method has become a common phenomenon in modern society. Whether or not this is a good thing for children, is a moot point. On the face of it, the advantages seem most apparent, but could there be a detrimental side to this phenomenon of learning method via TV as well？(There is no harm adding "as well" here, but removing it will help stress the point that there must be a bad side to TV learning.)

(... continued from above)

 Another example: watching TV for quite a long time can certainly be harmful to children’s eyesight, which could cause some problems for children. For example, children sitting at the back of the classroom may not see the blackboard clearly when their sight become weak, which may influence their grade. Finally, if children can get answers easily from the TV, children they may lose the ability to solve the problems independently, which may slow down the development of their imagination and curiosity, possibly resulting in failure in their future careers of the future, because it is unlikely for people without creativity to be successful in the future.  (Again, grammatically there is not much issue here, your issue is more of a "logical fallacy"- a dependence on TV education does not necessarily become a liability in the future. More words does not mean more logical content. It is the ability to condense information into a readily understandable format that matters in essay writing.) 

It is clear then that the situation is not as straightforward as it first appears. It would seem that it is difficult for children to learn effectively through watching TV unless there is enough supervision provided from their parents or teachers. Now with more media avenues available (such as the internet and computer games), would it be possible that the children of the future will rely more and more on these new technologies for their education? The education system of the future must take new techonologies into account, in order to promote a healthy education system, that does not rely too much on a single avenue for childhood education. I foresee a good compromise is to include TV and other media in the classroom of the future, and used together with parental and teacher supervision, for the most effective learning. (The conclusion is a little short, and does not state clearly enough whether you agree or not agree with the question. You should try to elaborate a bit more, so the examiner can see your logical thoughts as well as your command of English).