IELTS Writing task 2- Please Help :)))

Hi guys, I'm currently preparing for the Ielts exam and I really need some feedback and suggestions for my writing part. Thanks :))

TOPIC: children in some parts of the world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. Some people think this as a positive change however others think this as a negative change. What do you think?

The rapid growth of global economy has resulted in the improvement of people’s life quality in many regions. This means that children in some countries are growing up in a better environment with less stress and responsibility than that in the past. This phenomenon has aroused diverse opinions and personally speaking, I regard this as a positive trend rather than a negative one.

First of all, less financial responsibility means less undue pressure and worries. Financial soundness in many families ensures the children a healthy, nurturing environment. In comparison with decades ago, the underage nowadays can live a happy and carefree life without having to go out and work to help the family. Moreover, they can receive proper education, which naturally secures them a more prosperous future. For example, a recent research by a Chinese social organization shows that 70% of the interviewed children mark their life as satisfactory. (Was there a study done in previous years where less children marked their life as satisfactory? Otherwise, this doesn't support your point. Also, after providing evidence, it's usually best to have a sentence explaining how that evidence ties in and supports your arguement.)

On the other hand, spoiled by their parents, children nowadays can get whatever they want by simply asking for it. For this reason, they are more inclined to be more dependent and do not value traditional ethics like diligence. (You might consider using some qualifiers here rather than absolute statements. "many children are spoiled" "there is a trend among the younger generations to be more dependent" etc. Otherwise these are very broad generalizations). What’s more ("In addition" is more formal, what's more feels a little colloquial, though is probably ok.), the new generation often grows up in a over-protective environment, resulting in them being more vulnerable (to what?) and at risk (for what?) when entering adulthood. A questionnaire organized by students from Sun Yat-sen university is a great illustration. The result shows that majority of the students lack knowledge of money management because they never learned how to do it. However, these problems can be solved with proper parenting and education.

All in all, less responsibility brings more benefits than harms because children can have a higher quality of life and less burden. (You may wish to include a bit of that arguement of becoming more successful due to better education in this conclusion as well.) 

I don't know if you wanted proofreading for your arguement or just the grammar, but I hope this is helpful to you. I didn't correct the mistakes that the person before me did, because they already corrected it. 

Good luck!

IELTS Writing task 2- Please Help :)))

Hi guys, I'm currently preparing for the Ielts exam and I really need some feedback and suggestions for my writing part. Thanks :))

TOPIC: Children in some parts of the world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. Some people think of this as a positive change however others think that this as is a negative change. What do you think?

The rapid growth of global economy has resulted in the improvement of people’s life quality in many regions. This means that children in some countries are growing up in a better environment with less stress and responsibility than that in the past. This phenomenon has aroused diverse opinions and personally speaking, I regard this as a positive trend rather than a negative one.

First of all, less financial responsibility means less undue pressure and worries. Financial soundness in many families ensures the children a healthy living surrounding. In comparison with decades ago, the underage nowadays can live a happy and carefree life without having to go out and work to help the family. Moreover, they can receive proper education, which naturally secures them a more prosperous future. For example, a recent research by a Chinese social organization shows that 70% of the interviewed children mark their life as satisfactory.

On the other hand, spoiled by their parents, children nowadays can get whatever they want by simply asking for it. For this reason, they are more inclined to be more dependent and do not value traditional ethics like diligence. What’s more, the new generation often grow up in an over-protective environment, resulting in them being more vulnerable and at risk when entering adulthood. A questionnaire organized by students from Sun Yat-sen university is a great illustration. The result shows that majority of the students lack of knowledge of money management because they never learnt how to do it. However, these problems can be solved with proper parenting and education.

All in all, less responsibility brings more benefits than harms for that children can have a better growing background and less burden.

Very good english. Almost perfect.