I won't correct this for you, but I can point out some errors that everybody makes when they start learning Chinese. It probably seems like a lot to absorb now, but I highly recommend you try to get this stuff down. 

When you introduce yourself, you do this

1、大家好！我是來自PLACE的NAME，今年AGE歲。

Hello everybody! I'm NAME from PLACE, AGE years old this year. 

My introduction  would go something like this:

大家好，我是來自愛丁堡的何安杰，今年21歲。

(Remember that 你好 is used for only one person. 你們好 is used for when speaking to groups. That or 大家好)

2、You can't translate every English "and" into Chinese as 和、跟、與 or 同 . There words are usually used between two nouns, with 并 being used between two verbs. Look at the following examples

我和爸爸準備一下就出門 - Dad and I are just getting ready to leave 

我今天晚上喝了一杯咖啡和一杯茶 - I drank a cup of tea and a cup of coffee this evening

橄欖球是威爾士最喜歡並最擅長的運動 - Rugby is the sport that Welsh people like the best, and the one they are best at 

When you link two clauses, one option is using 也

--> 我喜歡吃蘋果，也喜歡喝茶

A Youtuber made a great video on this - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CzrHisGZGc

3、Like in English, you don't say "a AND b AND c AND d AND e AND f" when listening items. You can put a comma (this Chinese comma "、" not this one ， between all items apart from the penultimate and finals items like we do in English, or simply use that funny comma between all items

我喜歡吃蘋果、蛋糕、巧克力、冰淇淋、麵條、烤鴨 I like apples, cake, chocolate, ice cream, noodles and Beijing duck

4、我媽媽有夠 suggests that she has multiple dogs, I would write  一條狗 - one dog. 

5、In Traditional Chinese, this character 牠 is used for animals, but I believe they use 它 in China, which is also used for inanimate objects. There are a number of characters pronounced "ta" 他 male 她 female 它 object 牠 animal 祂 God (used in the Bible) 

6、There are two verbs for "to be" in Chinese. 是 is for when you are a noun, while 很 is for adjectives (this is an oversimplification). So 我是人 I am a person 我很高興 I am happy. This is confusing to start with, but it gets easier. 

7、There two main words for "or" in Chinese. 或者 or simply 或 is used in statements, while 還是, when it means "or", is used in questions. So 我要去中國或者日本，還沒決定呢 I want to go to China or Japan, I haven't decided yet // 你喜歡狗還是貓？Do you like dogs or cats?

Mini Intro in Chinese

Mini Intro in Chinese

Mini Intro in Chinese

Mini Intro in Chinese