IELTS Writing Part_1 (2)

Hello there!
みなさんこんばんは！
Thank you for your comment on my previous notebook.
前回のノートブックで、コメントありがとう。
It helps me a lot.
とても助かりました。
I'm would be happy pleased if you can could help me again.
また、手伝ってもらえるととても嬉しいです。
In return I'd love to help your Japanese after my computer is fixed.
パソコンを修理し終えたら、お礼に日本語のお手伝いをします。


ANOTHER WRITING TASK_1
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The graph illustrates the four types of modern technologies (CD player, mobile phone, home computer and internet access) people use in at home in the UK from 1996 to 2002. Units are measured in percentages.

Overall, the most people accessed used {utilized} the CD player over during the this period while the internet access was the least popular. There was a net increase with in the usage of all the elements {technologies} at the end (of the period).

As With regards to the amount of people who used a CD player, it began at with almost 80% in 1996 and reached the a peak of over 80% in the last year. Likewise, the mobile phone usage went up. It first appeared from in 1998, starting at approximately 10%, and it rose significantly to nearly 50% in 2003.

In terms of both the home computer and the mobile phone, more people accessed to the home computer in 1996, but the its popularity was replaced by the mobile phone during 1998 and 2000. The former started at about {or "roughly", "approximately"} 50% in the first year, and increased steadily at to the low of 60%, whereas the latter rose considerably from under 20% to around 70%.

IELTS Writing Part1 (2)

Hello there!
みなさんこんばんは！
Thank you for your comment on my previous notebook.
前回のノートブックで、コメントありがとう。
It helps me a lot.
とても助かりました。
I'm happy if you can help me again.
また、手伝ってもらえるととても嬉しいです。
In return I'd love to help your Japanese after my computer is fixed.
パソコンを修理し終えたら、お礼に日本語のお手伝いをします。


ANOTHER WRITING TASK1
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The graph illustrates the four types of modern technologies (CD player, Mobile phone, Home computer and Internet access) people use in home in the UK from 1996 to 2002. Units are measured in percentage. 

The graph illustrates the four types of modern technologies (CD player, Mobile phone, home computer, and Internet access) people use at home in the UK from 1996 to 2002. Units are measured in percentage.

Overall, the most people accessed the CD player over the period while the Internet access was the least popular. There was a increase with all the elements at the end.

Overall, the CD player was the most accessed while the Internet was least accessed by UK home users. There was an increase in all modern technology usage by the end of the graph.

(Note: Try using what year the CD player was most accessed and what year the Internet was least accessed. It will add more information and meaning to your sentence and overall paragraph.)

As regards to amount of people who used CD player, it began at almost 80% in 1996 and reached the peak of over 80% in the last year. Likewise, the Mobile phone went up. It appeared from 1998, starting at approximately 10%, and it rose significantly to nearly 50% in 2003.

In regards to the amount of people who used CD players in 1996, it started at around 80% and reached its peak of over 80% in the last year. Likewise, the Mobile phone increased in its percentage. In 1998 it started at 10% and rose significatnly to almost 50% in 2003.
 
In terms of both the Home computer and the Mobile phone, more people access to the Home computer in 1996, but the popularity was replaced by the Mobile phone during 1998 and 2000. The former started at about 50% in the first year and increased steadily at low of 60%, whereas the latter rose considerably from under 20% to around 70%.

In terms of both the home computer and the Mobile phone, more people accessed the home computer in 1996, but its popularity was replaced by the Moblie phone during 1998 and 2000. The former started at about 50% in the first year and steadily increased at a low of 60%, whereas the latter rose considerably from 20% to around 70%.

A note on the last paragraph: "steadily increased" sounds more formal than "increased steadily" and it sounds more natural when speaking out loud. Overall, you did a good job! Next time, try reading your sentences out loud after you write them. Even native English speakers like myself do this if we think a sentence looks funny after we write it. If you think it sounds unnatural, try rearranging or rewriting the sentence until it sounds and looks right. Also, I'm not sure about capitalizing "Home" in "home computer." I haven't seen this done before but if whatever material you're using says to capitalize the "H" then go ahead and do it. Hopefully this helped you out!