Please help me to correct this ...

Dear Ms. .....

I want to know what happened am writing in regards to my application, submitted on the 1st of March, as there appears to be are a lot of quite some delay on your side.

Is not reasonable to submit my application on 1 March I believe my application was submitted at a reasonable time, yet after a five-month wait, and so far did not come I am yet to receive a reply.!!! Because of this, Lost more than a semester of my study has gone to waste. and I'm waiting

Could you please offer an immediate explanation reply and explain as to what has happened. through Furthermore, my visa has passed is already more than eight weeks expired, so could you please explain to know also advise me as to what I should do and to rectify this situation. based on the response

Awaiting your response,

Rawan

I realise it's a little wordy, but this version makes you seem serious and credible.

I do have to say this: never, ever use "!!!", especially in a formal message. It makes you sound like a three-year old child.  You're giving the reader a very good reason not to care about you.

Your last paragraph was actually a little garbled, so I had to guess what you were trying to say.

Hope that all helps.

Please help me to correct this ...

Dear Ms. .....

I would like to know what happened to my application. There has been a long delay in your response. It is unreasonable to have submitted my application on the 1st of March and to not have received a response yet! I have now lost more than a semester and I'm still waiting.

Please reply and explain what happened, considering the visa has now been expired for more than 8 weeks. I would appreciate it if you could advise me on what further action I must take. 

Please help me to correct this ...

Date
Dear Ms ....,
I submitted my application to your office on 1 March 2012, but unfortunately I have not yet received a response and my visa has expired.

Can you please advise me as soon as possible  what to do regarding my application? I can be contacted  at  any time on my cell phone on 55555555. If need be,  I can come to your office to pick up the application.

Yours sincerely,
Rawan ..................