IELTS Writing Practice.3  - comments - new additions in "quotes", deletions and comments are in (brackets)

International organisations should provide poor countries with technology and practical advice rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


There has been much discussion revolving around the issue "of" whether international organisations "should" ( supposed to becomes colloquial here - or it means the organizations are not following orders given t othem -  are supposed to do something)  provide poverty-striken countries with technology and pratical advice rather than financial aid. (The sentence is longer than most native speakers would use. Try to break it into two sentences so that you can use less complex grammar) Personally, I consider(ate - this ending is not correct) that financial aid should "have" priority.(delete "be given" because we are talking about giving aid and to use the word "given" in a different context in the same paragraph will confuse the readers) people. 

To start with, "solving" (the settlement of)  food and clothing problem"s" should be "the first priority" (listed at the first place on agenda) of poverty alleviation. To some extent, only (with) direct fiancial aid (would it get) "can solve" the subsistence problem (but you need to identify or define what the subsistence problem is - the meaning is not clear) , the most severe one of which needy people are suffering, addressed at a relatively fast and effective rate  (this last section is not clear, try to reword it). Further, (as is known to all - no it is not known to "all" -so you can't use this), the high mortality rate brought about by infectious deseases (pervasive - delete pervasive - it is not needed and makes the sentence too complex) (this it is too - not clear what this is -do you mean "this is true" ?) in (those) poor countries (like Africa - Africa is a continet not a country- and not all African countries are poor) (in particular - not defined), (no need for "is disturbing" this is emotional - the rest of the text is non emotional so this does not fit), which means they (it- "it" is not defined) "are" (is) badly in need of advanced and sufficient medical care(s - care is collective so n need for an "s". (Thus - you can not "conclude this - make this conclusion it is beter to jsut makle a statement) , "M"(m)edical conditions could be improved by means of international funding (,) "which would reduce" (reducing) the risk of death (of) "within" the population and "raise" (raising the) health standard"s" (there are many health standards -aspects, issues,  not just one). Above all, (the) infrastructure construction requires financial support(you can not have "above all" = the top and "as well" = also - choose the top thing or choose several things) . People believe that poverty leads to (engenders - too complex and unclear for most people, use a simpler word or words) crime(s crime is a collective noun in this context) , while (a - collective noun "infrastucture" so no "a" - "a" makes is singular)  good infrastucture (would play - too vague) (a)  is crucial (role) for "social" (society) stability (of you could say - is crucial for maintaining the stability of a society - but anyway that is a philosophical view - many societies are stable even thouhg they lack good physical infrastructure).

(Admittedly - why "admit " something, instead just make a statement) , "I"(i)t is also essential to offer technology and pratical advice to indigent countries. (As a matter of fact,) "F"(f)inancial aid "alone" (solely) could "solve" (tackle) some basic (existencial affairs for the time being and offer an capital foundation at the beginning of national construction - rewrite this - the meaning is not clear - simplify it and say what you mean and understand). (It would be) T(t)echnology and pratical advice "would" (that could) contribute to the long-term development of poor countries and possibly help people out of chronic poverty.(this last sentence is very good) (According to the status quo, however, - these words are meaningless and not necessary) "T"(t)he main difficulty "facing" (in front of) the majority of impoverished nations remains (the subsistence problem - this needs t obe defined and mayb is not the correct term). It is more realistic to offer "financial" (finacial) aid to get the starving population (stuffed = colloquial for broken, ruined) (before the development with technology requiring demanding skills and related professional knowledge. - this needs to be rewritten to make the ideas clear,  I am not sure what you are saying)   

(So my conclusion is, for the reasons I have given, - no need to say this - just make a statement) (to) "For" poor countries, technology and "practical" (pratical) advice (could) "are a a less productive form of assistance" (be) "than" (alternatives)  financial support. This is especially "true during" (at) the fledging "stage" (period) of overcoming poverty.