A short passage

Women are playing more and more important roles in modern society. Apart from raising a children, women go out for work to as well to support their families and family, fighting shoulder by shoulder with their partners day and night 1 to gain more financial independence. Thus, more and more female employees Hence today's women feel that they are under greater pressures. This is the tough reality that for Mainland Chinese women have to face especially in China. Taking Take a look around us, female women workaholics are not rare. They got have little time to take care of their children kids 2, which simply results resulting in greater alienation in the family.s and generation gaps 3. Even a the housewife who puts not only has to put out all her heart and soul caring about the kids and trifles has to confront with social alienation and endless complaint from husbands. into the care of her family with a thousand and one problems to solve, there is no help from whinning and complaining husbands!
Furthermore, overworking overtime is not rare uncommon for women 4 and it has become a threat to a woman’s women's health. Yesterday, one of my colleagues complained about her poor health condition and was being treated unfairly. I felt sorry that she has just lost the baby that had a miscarriage after finding that she had conceived earlier a few days ago.  I am sure that it is partially due to the high pressure of her daily work. She Her application for leave was rejected and blamed by the school principal who chastised her for laziness when she she was concerned about her pregnancy when her doctor told her to slow down. 5. proposed to resign the position of being a class adviser for the concern of the unborn baby and doctor’s advice. The principal took it for granted that the work at present work cannot would never influence on a pregnant woman her pregnancy even though she was not in excellent of health! is not in a good health condition! “Work and responsibility must come first and responsibility It is is the only thing we should care about! The one who ignored his Those ignoring their responsibility and loyalty does not deserve this their jobs!” His slashing criticism lashings undoubtedly angered cowered her 6.

The fear of losing their jobs and working overtime had become a cultivated habit for many young women employees.7 With weekends being spoiled scarce and dark pouches splotches on their faces, lots of many young mothers are reluctant to wake up early then plunge and spoon off their kid to the grandparents.
Another common issue is that women are getting fewer opportunities to work than men. Sexual discrimination still remains common in many businesses today.8  Higher positions tend to have fewer women although even though they may be are qualified for the job. A female worker who is superior to other male competitors in every aspect may be declined the opportunity to work abroad. She may also be passed over an overseas job even she surpass her male colleagues in every aspect.

Perhaps things will take a turn for the better yet but we don't know how long it will take. Who knows for sure? Well, this will change if only the women speak up.  Follow your western counterparts.  If they don't raise their voices and protest, you think they can vote?  REMEMBER women in the US were able to vote only starting from 1920!

You write well and your thoughts coherent.  Of course I don't expect your English to be flawless.  You needed more work in your vocabulary and the way you express your ideas in English.  This is expected since English is not the prevailing language of the masses.  I would give you an A for your effort, the style of writing and more importantly, how your ideas are conveyed across.  This is because you have struck an emtional chord with the reader.  Good work.  Write more, get it corrected and your English will improve more.

1.  This is redundant.  You have suggested and implied in the previous sentence.  If you want to use this as emphasis, then delete the previous sentence.  Redundancy makes your writing long winded.  The only exception is when you are emphasizing a point but you did not show that intent here.

2.  Too colloquial in this formal essay.  Thiis okay if this piece is intended for a speech.

3.  There are always generation gaps no matter what.  This is because each generation live in different times.  No two person experience identical things in life.  Similar but never the same because perception is different for everyone.  Those experiences that we see eye to eye is known as the "common experience".  For example, knowing what red color is.  This is common experience for all who are not born blind.

4.  By now the reader is fully aware that you are talking about women and not men.  So you can leave these descriptions out.  They become redundant once the context is clear.  If you put, your writing is really considered as long winded.

5.  I don't think the principal can stop her from resigning from her job.  Most probably she wanted temporary leave of absence.  Over here in the US, the principal can be sued and charged legally for her loss of her baby.  There are extremely clear cut employment laws in the US.  Sorry for you colleague's misfortune.

6.  This her fault as well.  She cared more for the job than her child.  If I was her, I would have told that male chauvinistic pig this, "人命関天! How can you call yourself an educator!  What if it is your child?  If all children dies, where will your job be then!"  馬馴被人騎, 人善被人欺!  I would tell him that if he does not grant me the leave of absence, if the baby is miscarried, would he dare to take the responsibility.  You know what a mother will do for her child.  This will take him aback!  This is why no one dare to trifle with me at work and in my social life.  They know I will suffer no fools.  Your colleague or rather more of your kind should be more like 武則天 than some 林黛玉!  Your essay is beginning to anger me with this bugger.

7.  In fairness, men also are under the same pressures at work, although most have their mothers to do their cooking and washing.

8.  This unfortunately exists everywhere even in the US!  Hence much labor laws are enacted to ensure this from happening.  Not only that we have now age and physical discrimination as well.  Physical disability not related to your job can be grounds to be sued in the US.  For example, if you confined to a wheelchair and your job is to to answer the telephone, you cannot be discriminated for that job given your physical condition, only if you are a mute.  Some leeway is given.  For example, not hiring Chinese waiters for a Chinese restaurant whose main customers are Chinese.  This is one of those grey areas.  Usually they give the reason that non-Chinese waiters cannot speak Cantonese or Mandarin (to make things more difficult) to serve their customers.