3 sentences from my short novel
1. Synchronized with him sniffing the shelf going from left to right, my mind was also swimming through the memory books in my head, crawling its way through all the books on my memory shelves.
2. It was the first day of school and they were all dressed in their brand-new school uniforms that made them look like classic tin dolls.
3. He was in the sea of new people, trying to look still and composed but his eyes were moving fiercely to look around just to find a place to settle.
This is not a formal writing, and this novel is supposed to have kind of casual, relaxed and sort of idiomatic tone to it.
I'm open to hear any suggestions.
Thanks!!
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Corrections · 3
1
1. While I quickly synchronized my movements with his—going from left to right—in sniffing the shelf, my mind was also casually swimming through the pages of memory books in my head, as it slowly crawled its way from novel to novel there on my memory shelves.
2. It was the first day of school, and the students were all dressed in their brand-new school uniforms that gave them the appearance of classic tin dolls.
3. He was adrift in the sea of new people, desperately trying to look calm and composed, but to the observant, his eyes were moving anxiously around the room in the hope of finding a safe place to settle.
Hi, Y.S. Good job! I’m not sure the above are any improvement, but these are my edits of your sentences. I tried to retain the essence of your compositions, but whether I succeeded or not is for you decide. I hope that this helps you, Jonathan.
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1. Didn't understand it at all. I suggest you rephrase.
2. GOOD. Maybe you can skip 'their' in 'they were all dressed in brand-new...', just a personal thing but it looks smoother.
3. 'He was in the sea of new people' doesn't sound good for some reason but I see what you're trying to convey. 'Trying to look still...' -> 'Trying to appear calm...', again, just a personal thing, but sounds more bookish. 'Fiercely' isn't the word I would use in this context, it's as if he's aggressive rather than anxious. Try this 'but his eyes were moving rapidly, looking for a place to settle'.
It's awesome that you're writing a novel. I do too actually. I wish you all the best!
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I don't see wrong with the sentences. Good job:)
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