Preface of TOEFL essay.
Historically, there are two great social transformations. The first one is the emergence of car, and the second one airplanes. There is no doubt that both gave crucial effects to our society, but nevertheless, we often compare between car and airplane in the perspective of how much these influenced on our society. Some people say that cars have more effect on the world displaying the power of popular appeal than airplanes, in my opinion, however, airplanes also have unparalleled influence in the achievements about tourism and trade.
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The Preface of My TOEFL Essay
Historically, there have been two great social transformations. The first one resulted from the mass production of cars, and the second from commercial flights on airplanes. There is no doubt that both have had monumental and widespread effects on modern society, nevertheless, we often compare between the two from the perspective of how much these methods of transportation have impacted popular culture. Some people say, perhaps rightfully so, that cars have had more effect on the world in terms of the average person’s everyday life. In contrast, and in my opinion, however, airplanes have had unparalleled influence in advancing trade and tourism, globally, thereby having an effect directly, as well as indirectly, on virtually everyone.*
Hi, Guemhui. Good job! Whatever changes I made were to allow your sentences to sound more natural to my native ears, to complete your thoughts, and for ease of reading. Sincerest apologies if I have misinterpreted. I hope that this helps you. J.
*No punctuation is needed after your title.
Watch your use of tenses—those two events started in the past, yet, you wrote it in the present tense.
In writing, “second one airplanes,” it creates confusion—better to write out the full sentence (second one was the emergence of airplanes), or use a comma (second one, airplanes), or add “of” (the second one of airplanes), or use a hyphen (the second one—airplanes). Then, the reader understands it is the second transformation, not the “second one (of two) airplanes.” [e.g., it is the singular “one” before the plural “airplanes” that is the issue…]
At the risk of having the Grammar Police coming after me, I would say to use either “but” or “nevertheless,” but not both together. One is an adverb, and the other a conjunction, yet, for the meaning that you wish to convey--to show contrast--a single word will suffice. I would say that the combined usage is done more in speech than in writing, so use it there if you must…
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Preface of TOEFL essay.
Historically, there are two great social innovations transformations. The first one is the emergence of cars, and the second one the invention of airplanes. There is no doubt that both gave have had crucial important effects to on our society, but nevertheless, we often compare between car and airplane in the perspective of how much these each has influenced on our society. Some people say that cars have more had a greater effect on the world, displaying the power of more popular appeal than airplanes. In my opinion, however, airplanes also have unparalleled influence in on the achievements about tourism and trade.
** I hope that helps Geumhui :) **
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