Corrections · 2
Vegetarian diets in schools?
It is often said that a vegetarian diet is not sustainable nor is it worth it the trouble, but in this essay I will discuss two reasons of why this type of diet should be implemented in every cafeteria around the world.Vegetarian diets undoubtedly have an impact on our health, since it is scientifically proven that meat consumption is one of the biggest factors in heart disease and Alzheimer's. Fats from meat can clog the arteries and reduce the amount of oxygen that reaches the brain. This is such a important issue considering more than half of children in primary school suffer from obesity, which has been shown to halve their life expectancy. We should teach them to eat healthier, and thus to live longer.
Another factor to consider is that cows are the biggest methane producers, and that gas harms more than four times the ozone layer, which is responsible for keeping the earth safe from the deadly rays that come from the sun. Also with the food and water necessary to produce one kilogram of meat, twenty people could be fed for four years, not to mention that all the land used to raise cows could be used to grow trees instead.
In light of the above information, I think that my professor is correct and that the school board should take a look at the reasons why meat should be banned, since it seems to do more harm than good.
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Your English is obviously quite advanced. Most of my suggestions are focused on breaking up long sentences. Putting too many ideas into one sentence can be confusing and lead to redundant statements.
I highlighted the phrase in orange because I am not sure what you mean. Does gas destroy the ozone layer four times faster than something or does it speed up the destruction of the ozone layer?
Also, if this were for an academic paper, I would recommend trying a stronger opening sentence. The points you make in the body could easily be supported by citations and evidence, but the phrase "it is often said" is based on a hypothetical statement. If you were to start out with a statistic or a factual example, I think you would have a much more effective introduction.
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