Deep silence
Small boat in the middle of lake surrounded by mountains light floated on the calm surface of lake. Gentle steam hovered over plane in a cold morning. He and she sat in the boat and only mild morning sun was their accomplice. They were surrounded by deep silence which was accidently interrupted by hits of paddles. Reflections of light on the plane bright like thousands diamonds lucky jumped up and down but in her mind was only one thought. It'll be late tomorrow. Something hard pressed her soul like hundred pounds. Her fingers nervous played with her hair. How to say it? He must to understand it. Maybe when I would explain to him... Maybe is too late. I cannot. Maybe tomorrow. Deep silence sat between his and her into the boat.
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Corrections · 7
1
Abysmal Deep Silence
A small boat floating right in the middle of a calm mountain lake. in the middle of lake surrounded by mountains light floated on the calm surface of lake. Gentle steam Wispy mists of the cold morning kissing the plain. hovered over plane in a cold morning. He and she sat in the boat and only mild There was the gentle morning sun and his female companion was their accomplice.They were surrounded by deep Enshrouding silence broken on ocassion by the sound which was accidently interrupted by hits of a paddles. Reflected of light on from the plain now glittered plane bright like a thousands diamonds -- lucky jumped up and down but in her mind -- was only one thought. It'll be late tomorrow. Something hard pressed weighed upon her soul like a hundred pounds. Her fingers playing nervously played with her hair. How to would she tell him? say it? He must has to understand it. Perhaps her explanation will get through him like the ocassional sound of paddles piercing through the enshrouding silence. It is good to repeat and reinforce the same imagery you had woven previously here. Maybe when I would explain to him... Perhaps it may be Maybe is too late, I fear... Not today but cannot. Maybe tomorrow? Deep silence sat between his and her into the boat. Like a stranger, Deep Silence sat between them.1
Very nice imagery. Are you a writer?
Since you are serious with your writing, here are more detailed explanations on why I edited like this in English...
1. Abysmal is a better word for the title. "Deep" is correct but does not catch the reader's eye as it is too ordinary. "Abysmal" not only means "deep" but something forboding and sadness.
2. Concise wording is better when you don't want the sentence to be too long.
3. "Steam" is the vapor when you boil water. So "mist" is the word you want to use here.
4. I use "wispy" because later they were gone as you indicated later.
5. "Hovering" can be used but too direct and plain. I use "kiss" to let the reader imagine something nice is happening with the imagery but gets a twist in the end; makes the story more interesting.
6. "He and she" sounds unnatural here because the characters were not introduced yet.
7. Cannot use "accomplice" because this word has a negative implication in that they were doing something illegal or clandestine.
8. You need to know the difference between "plane" and "plain". Both have many meanings.
9. "pressed" is not wrong. "press" is used with an active agent; "He presses against the wall". "weigh" is used with a passive agent. i.e. cannot generate the force from itself. "the thought of killing him weighs heavily on his mind".
10. "Not today but tomorrow?" It is better to turn it into a question and make the reader be in the same boat (pardon the metaphor) as the lady. This leads the reader intimately into the story.
11. "Deep Silence sat between them", "Deep Silence sitting between them". Both are OK. Just depends on how you want to convey the conclusion to the reader. Need to capitalize the two words since it is now personified.
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