Kodomo no yoo ni
Kyoo wa henna hito o mimashita.
Akarui fuku o kite imashita.
Kare wa kodomo no yoo ni hohoemimashita.
(kare wa) fuuyu ni wa midori no ki no yoo (ni?) datta; Kimyoo de utsukushii deshita.
Kono hito wa watashi no kodomo no shunkan no koto o omoi-dasasemashita.
Tooji no seikatsu wa kantan datta:
Watashi wa eiga to chokoreeto ga suki datta.
Gakkoo o kiraimashita (gakko ga kirai datta?)
Onnanoko de aru ga kirai datta.
Shikashi watashi wa otonoko ni naritai to omotte imasen deshita.
Tomei ningen ni naritakatta.
Otona ga kirai datta.
Shigatte watashi wa kesshite otona ni naru koto o chikatta.
Watashi wa dono yoo ni yuujin o tsukuru koto o shiranakatta node namida o nagashita.
Watashi wa motto jibun ni shoojiki datta. Arinomama no jibun o sarakedashita.
Kokoro no negai o ippai ni shite nagareboshi o mimasen deshita.
Watashi ga kanjita no wa odoroki deshita.
Kyoo de wa, akarui fuku o kite iru hito wa watashi no nagareboshi deshita.
Kare wa yuuga de nonki ni mieta.
Kare ga akai fuusen no yoo ni tonde itta kamo shiremasen ga.
Kare wa natsu no hi no yoo ni akarukatta. Soshite fushigi de kare o mita.
Watashi wa futatabi kodomo datta.
English version:
I saw a strange man today.
He was wearing bright clothes.
He smiled like a child.
He was like a green tree in winter; odd and beautiful.
He reminded me of a moment in my childhood. Back then life was simple:
I liked movies and chocolate.
I hated school.
I disliked being a girl.
However, I did not want to become to a boy (either).
I wanted to be the invisible man.
I disliked adults; therefore i swore to never become one.
I cried because I did not know how to make friends.
I was more honest with myself. I showed my real self.
I did not look at shooting stars with a heart full of wishes.
All I felt was wonder.
Today, the man wearing bright clothes was my shooting star.
He looked graceful and carefree.
I thought that he might flew away like a red balloon.
He was like a bright summer's day. And I watched him in wonder. I was a child again.
Search from various English teachers...
Corrections · 4
0
Kodomo no yoou ni
1st paragraph:
※ "Kyoo" can be OK in pronunciation, but to be precise, it is written as "Kyou", which will be important when you write Kanji on your computer; Kanji converter program cannot find appropriate Kanji unless you write precisely.
(2) Kare wa
※ "Kare" has never appeared as a subject so far, so you'd better NOT to omit the subject.
(3) Kare wa kodomo no yo
※ The same as (1)'s comment.
(4) (kare no sonzai wa) fu
※ "Kimyou" is something bad, and "utukushii" is good, so "deha atta kedo" should be used here.
(5) Kono hito wa watashi no kodomo no
※ "~ no koro" stands for the specific period of time. "Shunkan" is a very short period of time, e.g., a few seconds.
(6) To
2nd paragraph:
(7) Watashi wa eiga to chokoreeto ga suki datta.
(8)
※ The latter is correct!
(9) Onnanoko de aru koto ga
※ "~ koto" makes a noun.
(10) Shikashi watashi wa otonoko ni naritai tomo omotte ha imasen deshita.
※ "~ tomo omotte ha..." emphasizes the sentence.
(11) Toumei ningen ni naritakatta.
(12) Otona ga kirai datta.
(13) Shitagatte watashi wa kesshite otona ni nar
※ "~ ni naru koto" is "to become ~", and "~ ni naranai koto" is "to never become".
※ "kesshite ~ nai" corresponds with "never ~".
(14) Watashi wa dono yo
※ "~ o tsukuru koto" is "to make ~", and "dono you ni ~ o tsukuru ka" is "how to make ~".
3rd paragraph:
(15) Watashi wa motto jibun ni sho
※ The same as (1)'s comment.
(16) Kokoro no negai o ippai ni shite nagareboshi o mimasen deshita.
(17) Watashi ga kanjita no wa odoroki dake deshita.
※ "dake" corresponds with "All", and emphasizes the sentence.
4th paragraph:
(18) Kyo
※ "iru" must be past tense "ita".
(19) Kare wa yuuga de nonki ni mieta.
(20) Kare
(21) Kare wa natsu no hi no yo
※ The subject of the first sentence is "Kare", and that of the second is "watashi", so you'd better not omit the subject of the second sentence. Otherwise, Japanese natives would think that the subject of the second sentence is also "Kare".
(22) Watashi wa futatabi kodomo
Marks:
赤 (red) : 修正が必要な表現 (expressions to be corrected)
青 (blue) : あった方が良い語/表現 (words/expressions better to be added)
茶 (brown): 冗長な表現 (redundant expressions)
紫 (purple): 解説 (comment on corrections)
Corrected Sentences:
1st paragraph:
(1) Kyou wa henna hito o mimashita.
(2) Kare wa akarui fuku o kite imashita.
(3) Kare wa kodomo no you ni hohoemimashita.
(4) (kare no sonzai wa) fuyu nanoni midori no ki ga aru kano you datta; Kimyou deha atta kedo utsukushi katta desu.
(5) Kono hito wa watashi no kodomo no koro no koto o omoi-dasasete kuremashita.
(6) Touji no seikatsu wa tanjun datta:
2nd paragraph:
(7) Watashi wa eiga to chokoreeto ga suki datta.
(8) Gakkou ga kirai datta.
(9) Onnanoko de aru koto ga iya datta.
(10) Shikashi watashi wa otonoko ni naritai tomo omotte ha imasen deshita.
(11) Toumei ningen ni naritakatta.
(12) Otona ga kirai datta.
(13) Shitagatte watashi wa kesshite otona ni naranai koto o chikatta.
(14) Watashi wa dono you ni yuujin o tsukuru ka o shiranakatta node namida o nagashita.
3rd paragraph:
(15) Watashi wa motto jibun ni shoujiki datta. Arinomama no jibun o sarakedashita.
(16) Kokoro no negai o ippai ni shite nagareboshi o mimasen deshita.
(17) Watashi ga kanjita no wa odoroki dake deshita.
4th paragraph:
(18) Kyou, akarui fuku o kite ita hito wa watashi no nagareboshi deshita.
(19) Kare wa yuuga de nonki ni mieta.
(20) Kare ha akai fuusen no you ni tonde itta kamo shiremasen ga.
(21) Kare wa natsu no hi no you ni akarukatta. Soshite watashi wa fushigi na omoi de kare o mita.
(22) Watashi wa futatabi kodomo ni natta.
Alternative Expressions (more natural to Japanese natives):
1st paragraph:
(1) Kyou wa henna hito o mimashita.
* Kyou henna hito o mimashita. ※ You can omit "wa" here.
(5) Kono hito wa watashi no kodomo no koro no koto o omoi-dasasete kuremashita.
* Kono hito wa watashi no kodomo no koro o houfutsu to sasete kuremashita. ※ "~ o houfutsu to saseru" is a little difficult expression meaning the same thing.
2nd paragraph:
(13) Shitagatte watashi wa kesshite otona ni naranai koto o chikatta.
* Nanode watashi wa kesshite otona ni narumai to chikatta. ※ "Shitagatte" is a little formal. "Nanode" is more appropriate.
(14) Watashi wa dono you ni yuujin o tsukuru ka o shiranakatta node namida o nagashita.
* Watashi wa yuujin no tsukuri kata o shiranakatta node...
* Watashi wa dono you ni yuujin o tsukureba yoi ka o shiranakatta node...
※ "Yuujin" is a little bit formal. "Tomodachi" is more appropriate.
3rd paragraph:
(15) Watashi wa motto jibun ni shoujiki datta. Arinomama no jibun o sarakedashita.
* Watashi wa mushiro jibun ni shoujiki datta.
(16) Kokoro no negai o ippai ni shite nagareboshi o mimasen deshita.
* Mune ippai ni himeta negai o nagareboshi ni takushita koto wa arimasen deshita. ※ This is very natural as Japanese, but rather difficult expression.
4th paragraph:
(19) Kare wa yuuga de nonki ni mieta.
(22) Watashi wa futatabi kodomo ni natta.
* Watashi wa kodomo no koro ni modotta. ※ This is more like "I went back to my childhood", but more natural as Japanese.
* Watash wa doushin ni kaetta. ※ The same as the previous one, but a little bit difficultl expression.
Comment:
Hi, girlhero-san,
Nice to meet you. I'd like to say thank you here for sending friend request to me. I'm very glad to be your friend! As you notice, I'm very very strict in correcting Japanese, and I'm sure you will learn a lot from the correction. :)
Please note that we use "ha (は)" in writing and pronounce it as "wa (わ)." The same goes to the pair of "wo (を)" and "o (お)". For example, we write "kon-ni-chi-ha (こんにちは)", but we pronounce it as "kon-ni-chi-wa (こんにちわ)." As long as you're just focusing on speaking Japanese, you don't have to care about this, but you'll have to if you are to learn writing.
Your entry uses metaphors, so I also learned how English natives express something a lot in correcting the entry. Also, your English version really helped me learn English as well as correct the entry.
By the way, I'm a kind of new bee here. So, I'm not sure what correction styles are preferred. As you know from my correction history, my corrections tend to be very long even though I reduce redundancy as much as possible... If you have any suggestion or comment about my correction style or anything, please let me know!
HTH
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