Part of my essay

Your Chinese is written in a very high level.  So I am showing you how to translate and then polish.  If I didn't see you your original, it would be very difficult to correct your English.  As you can see, there is great difference.  Of course after seeing this, your English version now makes sense, although expressed in an almost incomprehensive way.  We can almost smell it but still not quite understand exactly what you said.

然而，However,

在很大程度上，largely

还有一些科目 there are still subjects

对学生的综合能力发展有重要作用，for students' comprehensive ability have important uses.

However, to a large extent, there are still subjects in which the comprehensive ability of student can be developed greatly.

不管是否对他们以后求职有益。No matter, whether it would be of benefit to their career or not.

那就是说，This is to say,

只关注 only /to pay attention/concern/follow closely/interest/ attention

课程 cirriculum

对于学生 with regards to students

在职场中的好处 workplace/career

是很片面的。is very one sided.

By paying attention only to the cirriculum for the student's career is very one sided.

比如说，For example,

如果学校 if the school,

或者教育机构 or the education mechanism/structure/organization/agency/institution/authority

删除了 cancelled/deleted/removed

音乐课程，music classes

If the school board or the education authority abolished music classes,

那么 then

学生就很可能失去了students would most likely lose out

培养 cutlivation

对杰出音乐作品 to outstanding music composition/pieces

的鉴赏能力；appreciation ability.

the ability to appreciate fine music.

类似地，Similarly

没有了体育课，don't have P.E. classes

那么学生增强体质 then students to increase strongly physique.

Similarly, if there are no physical education, then students will not able to strengthen their physical constitution

和增加身体各部分 and increase body every part

协调的能力的机会就减少了，coordination ability [possessive particle] opportunies will decrease.

and the opportunities to increase their coordination will be lessened.

这将 This will,

逐渐地 gradually,

导致 to lead to/to create/to cause/to bring about

他们 them

令人 to cause them/generate

担忧 to worry/to be concerned

的健康水平。health standard

This is will gradually cause them to be concerned about their health.

However, to much extent,there are actually couples of subjects which are of great 

significance to students' comprehensive development,regardless of their
contributions to their job seeking.That is to say,concentrating on the
curriculums‘ benefits to them merely in the workplace is too narrow an idea.For
instance,if music lessons are ruled out by schools or some educational
authorities,most of the children would potentially lose the chances to cultivate an eye for the beauty of some melodic masterpieces.Similarly,absence of PE lessons would definitely diminish the opportunities to build up their strength and enhance the abilities to coordinate every part of
their bodies,which may gradually generate the students' alarming fitness levels.

Now that the draft translation is complete, it's time to polish.  The black are the blue sentences in the correction.

However, to a large extent, there are still subjects in which the comprehensive ability of student can be developed greatly. No matter, whether it would be of benefit to their career or not. By paying attention only to the cirriculum for the student's career is very one sided. For example, If the school board or the education authority abolished music classes, students would most likely lose out the ability to appreciate fine music. Similarly, if there are no physical education, then students will not able to strengthen their physical constitution and the opportunities to increase their coordination will be lessened. This will, gradually cause them to be concerned about their health.

Now comes the polishing part.  This is how I usually do when I write an essay in Chinese, of course in the reverse direction for this sort of high level writing.  However, the styles in English and Chinese are different. Since this is not a translation project, I prefer it to be wholly in English style of expessing.

However, to a larger extent, there are still other subjects that will benefit the all rounded education of the student; whether or not they prove to be of any benefit to their careers. Paying attention only to the core subjects of his specialty is too narrow and short sighted. For example, if the school or the education authority abolishes music classes, then students would most likely lose out the opportunity to appreciate fine music. Similarly, when there is no physical education, their physical constitution will not be strengthened nor will their physical coordination will not be developed to an optimum level. This may gradually cause health issues later on in their lives.