Moreover, the first and foremost [Too formal] Finally, the main reason for which I’d like to live in Shenzhen is the abundant here are the numerous educational resources facilities and educational campus-like atmosphere of the area even though it . Shenzhen is a center of foreign investment and since the late 1970s and is still has been one of the fastest growing cities in the world. With the rise in its the development of economic standard, Shenzhen’s so did its educational level increase as well.

The Government attach great importance to education. Consequently, nation gave outstanding teachers and new principles of teaching methods emerged in which . I ’m getting the benefited greatly by this excellent condition.

The late Chinese paramount leader [He is famous enough.  Attaching such words only demeans his colossal status] Deng Xiaoping once said, "Shenzhen special economic zones was created to be an experimental ground of in capitalism in "socialism with Chinese social characteristics." From my perspective, the rapid development of Shenzhen is a miracle. I am glad that I am able to live in here.

Good in your basics but need to be more natural and not too long winded.  This is understandable. 

Introducing to Shenzhen

Shenzhen, is a major city in the south of Southern China's the Guangdong [or Guang Dong], a southern province of China but , is situated immediately just north of Hong Kong. Shenzhen It has a population of over 22 million, people would like living in Shenzhen, because Shenzhen is known as city of due to its opportunities and city of and innovation. As far as I am concerned, I am more into the place because of what it has to offer to me: different style kinds of restaurants, recreational facilities and excellent educational resources is why I want to live in here.

First off, Let me first talk of eating. There are numerous restaurants in shopping malls, in residential areas and even in by the roadside. Such diversity of selection always make me hard to make a decision in selecting what I should eat. By merely going to the mall, you one can enjoy various kinds of delicacy and able to feel the different cultural vibes emanating ambiance from different kind of restaurant each stall/shop which can be very enticing. [What you are describing is a food court, not fancy places of eating (restaurants) ] Shenzhen’s restaurants always attract people to come.

Shenzhen's Main tourist attractions include the "Window of the World", the "Chinese Folk Culture Village", "Happy Valley", "Splendid China" and the safari park in the Nanshan district. [Your list is getting too long and starts to look like a report.]  There are also the Dameisha Promenade and Xiaomeisha Beach Resort in the Yantian district when tens of thousands of people spend their time. in those well-known scenic spot; When I get am free time, I go to these places too as well. It’s nice to stay. Very relaxing for me.