Corrections · 5
(I'll use the "correction" feature to comment, this way I'll get notifications.)
Not bad at all. And your German can't be lacking that much if you're able to translate such a poem in the first place.
Translating poetry is always difficult, and one often has to choose between the lesser of two evils, and you're probably aware of all these points, but just in case:
1) "bang und hold" is difficult to translate, but "sweetly stirs, sublimely chills" is not completely on the mark in my opinion. I don't have a better suggestion, though. :-) It's more like the feeling of longing, when you don't know what to expect, so you're a bit afraid, but at the same time it's beautiful and exciting. A very romantic feeling.
2) "Beim Lispeln der Winde ..." seems at first glance to be an answer to the question asked before, though it is then again turned into another question or wish. This aspect is somewhat missing in the translation.
3) It's a pity that the rather rigid structure (Was/Beim/Wohl/Dann) of the variation of the "Winde and Vögelein" line could not be kept in the translation.
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