A Small part Snippet of my Cover Letter :)

Hey there! I'm writing another cover letter. this is a small part of it It's a snippet.  Greatly and I'll appreciated if any native speaker can correct any possible mistake on it.



As you can see on my CV, [This sounds imperious and haughty.  Never use it unless you are in a superior position such as a teacher to a student, a boss to an employee etc.] I am a graduate in Business Studies. Throughout my degree I was especially am interested in marketing, business management and accounting. Furthermore [Same reason] I have experience in the rental market; dealing with customer service and clientele liaison.  been working in the family business  which is closely related [too much information here.  It does not relate to the position you are applying for.  As a matter of fact, it will work against you.  The first thing people think is, "oh, here's a rich kid.  Most probably spoilt.  Might as well hire someone more needy."] on renting flats, looking for the best client and taking care of the customers. Because of that working in Workingtogether will be a really interesting experience. Hence, it is important for me to know different areas and different ways of working in a European company. [All these are unspoken and understood.  To speak them out is pandering]

I look forward in joining your company.