Wake-up Call A man and his wife were having some problems, so they decided to try silent therapy.
The following week, the man realized that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. He had to catch an early flight, but he didn’t want to be the first one to break the silence. So, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning the man woke up, but it was already 9 a.m. He missed his flight!
He was furious and started screaming at his wife, but she just showed him a piece of paper next to his bed.
“It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

Two Reasons to Go to School One early morning, a mother is trying to wake up her son.
“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”

Man Wants to Live 100 Years “Doctor, I want to live 100 years. What can I do?”
“Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Do you eat too much?”
“No.”
“Do you go to bed late?”
“No.”
“Have you got any lovers?”
“No.”
“So why do you want to live so long?”

Where Are We? A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. When they were close to a town called Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
After a while of arguing, they decided to go to a local restaurant and have lunch. The husband could not wait to know the correct pronunciation, so he asked the blond waitress at the cash desk.
“Before we order, could you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”
“Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiing.”

The Ideal Woman to Marry One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

My Wife Can’t Hear! An old man goes to the doctor. He complains that his wife can’t hear.
“You need to test your wife. Stand far behind her and ask her a question. Then, start going closer to her. You will see how close you’ll get when she hears you.”
The old man is happy that he can help his wife. He runs home. He sees that his wife is making dinner.
“Honey!” the man says standing 20 feet away.
“What are we having for dinner?” he asks.
The wife doesn’t reply. The man tries again. He stands 15 feet away, but there is no answer.  He stands 10 feet away and asks again. No answer.
Finally, he is 5 feet away, “Honey, what are we having for dinner?”
“I’ve told you four times! Lasagne!”

Joke about a bed Peter goes to a psychologist. “Doctor, I’ve got trouble,” he says. “Every time when I get into bed, I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there is somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. I think I am crazy!”
The doctor thinks for a moment. Then he says, “Just be my patient for 2 years. Come to me three times a week and I will help you.”
“How much will I pay?” Peter asks.
“A hundred dollars per visit,” the doctor says.
Peter replies, “I’ll think about it.”
Peter never visits the doctor again. Sometime later, he meets the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to see me again?” the doctor asks.
“A hundred dollars per visit? It’s too expensive for me. A barman helped me for 10 dollars.”
The doctor is surprised, “What did he do with you?”
“He told me to cut off the legs of the bed.”

Ten things I know about you