The sentence is correct, although it is a bit unclear what the pronoun “it” refers to. Logically, it seems to refer to the subject of the previous clause (pointed to by the predicate adjective immediately before the comma, “evident”), however “achieve an impact” is not a usual collocation. “Achieve academic performance” collocates better, and “academic performance” is indeed the most recent *substantive noun* antecedent (even if it is buried in a prepositional phrase), but without specifying the level of academic performance, it seems like something is missing. In any case, the meaning is more or less the same, so here’s an analysis: 虽然 clause: While (= even though, 虽然) the impact of schooling on academic performance is evident, Subject: the impact (of schooling on academic performance) Verb: is Complement: evident 但是 clause: (但是 ) it (= the impact…) won’t be achieved “It” = the subject from the previous clause, i.e., “the impact…” This is the passive voice. In the active, we could say “People will not achieve it. 除非 clause: unless (= if…not = 除非) adequate parenting (that is) responsive to children’s emotional needs is provided This is also the passive voice. In the active, we could say “unless people provide adequate parenting (that is) responsive to children’s emotional needs. “that is responsive to children’s emotional needs” is a restrictive / defining relative clause that functions as an adjective to define the parenting. In your example, the relative clause is reduced, as “that is” is omitted. Unless = if…not. We could rephrase it as: “IF adequate parenting… is NOT provided.

It is a correct and clear statement at a university level. What is your question?

It sounds really good to me. I personally, do not think that it has any mistakes.